Would you help to correct my essay please? Much appreciate.

QuestionsCategory: OpinionWould you help to correct my essay please? Much appreciate.
myth214 asked 2 years ago

A government has a responsibility to its citizens to ensure their safety. Therefore, some people think that the government should increase spending on defence but spend less on social benefits. To what extent do you agree?
 
In recent years, government’s responsibility of protecting inhabitants from dangers has sparked a heated debate. While some argue that the proportion of defence expenditure should be increased in public budget, my personal sentiments are on par against this contention.
 
Firstly, there is not a significant relevance between high military cost and societal safety. The United States’ experience exemplifies this precisely. America’s expenses for defence has been always extremely higher than any other countries after World War II. However, it is American people that have suffered most serious territorial attacks early of this century. Furthermore, if a country decides to raise its defence budget, the potential result might be an unlimited military competition, which has been commonly recognised as an unstable factor jeopardising the peace of the world.
 
Secondly, to release dwellers’ concerns about safety, governments are committed to making contributions in many other fields such as economy, education and legislation. Local crimes would be significantly decreased only if persons have been well educated and obtained reasonable salaries. Moreover, on the contrary of surging expenditures in military, governments should devote to improving international legislation and maintaining a peaceful environment. Consequently, threatens of wars would be inevitably eliminated.
 
Notwithstanding, the importance of necessary expenses in defence should not be underestimated. Nowadays, an overwhelming majority of countries have their own armies and the associated management departments. It is the protection to the potential sabotaging on peace, but also to the unintended natural catastrophes. There is not the slightest doubt that military is the confidence and hope of people suffering earthquakes or floods.
 
Henceforth, it can be confidently concluded that much as increasing defence budget is beneficial to enhance societal safety, it is not an ultimate solution. Besides, governments should be more concentrated on their economic prosperity and social development.  

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myth214 replied 2 years ago

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1 Answers
Thuy Dung Pham answered 2 years ago

In recent years, government’s responsibility of protecting inhabitants their population/residents from dangers has sparked a heated debate. While some argue that the proportion of defence expenditure should be increased in public budget, my personal sentiments are opinion is on par against this contention.
 
Firstly, there is not a significant relevance between high military cost and societal social safety. The United States’ experience exemplifies this precisely could be taken as an example. America’s expenses for defence has been always extremely higher than any other countries after World War II. However, it is American people that have suffered most serious territorial attacks early of this century (is this information true?). Furthermore, if a country decides to raise its defence budget, the potential result might be an unlimited military competition, which has been commonly recognised as an unstable factor jeopardising the peace of the world.
 
Secondly, to release dwellers’ concerns about safety, governments are committed to making contributions contribute to in many other fields such as economy, education and legislation. Local crimes would be significantly decreased only if persons have been well educated and obtained received reasonable salaries. Moreover, on the contrary of surging expenditures in military, governments should devote to improving international legislation and maintaining a peaceful environment. Consequently, the threatens of wars would be inevitably eliminated.
 
Not withstanding, the importance of necessary expenses in defense should not be underestimated. Nowadays, an overwhelming majority of countries have their own armies and the associated management departments. Not only is this It is the protection to from the potential sabotaging on peace, but also to from the unintended natural catastrophes. There is not the slightest no doubt that military is the confidence and hope of people suffering natural disasters such as earthquakes or floods.
 
Henceforth, it can be confidently concluded that much as increasing defense budget is beneficial to enhance societal safety, it is not an ultimate solution. Besides The governments should be more concentrated on their economic prosperity and social development.  
Feedback
Task achievement: 6.5 (address all parts, clear ideas, take note on taking examples to avoid generalization)
Coherence and cohesion: 6.5 (good flow)
Lexical resources: 6.5 (advanced vocabs, make mistakes with phrasal verbs/collocations, avoid abusing unnecessarily advanced words)
Grammar Range and Accuracy: 6.0 (lack of complex structures, take note on a/an/the)
Overall: 6.5

Would you help to correct my essay please? Much appreciate.
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myth214 replied 2 years ago

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