With the rapid advancement of communication technology: smart phones, tablets and other mobile devices, some people believe that the disadvantages outweigh the advantages.

QuestionsCategory: OpinionWith the rapid advancement of communication technology: smart phones, tablets and other mobile devices, some people believe that the disadvantages outweigh the advantages.
Harie Jane asked 6 months ago

With the rapid advancement of communication technology: smart phones, tablets and other mobile devices, some people believe that the disadvantages outweigh the advantages. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Hi, please help check my essay

Nowadays, the drammatical development of technology causes several benefits and drawbacks in our society. Technological gadgets play a vital role in individual’s basic material and spirit needs as well as it brings more good than harm.

First of all, individual should recognize a lot of drawback of technology. It weakens some communication skills because most time is spent in the virtual world. For example, more and more postgraduated students are bad at soft skills like presentation, team – work, etc. As a result, they cannot find out a well – paid job. Besides that, if people take many time to use  technology, their social interaction will be reduced and the sense of community will be deteriorated. For instance, individual seem  focus on mobile phone, tables instead of chatting with their friend in the coffee shop or public place. This would lead to their relationships become boring and unexciting. Furthermore, technological gadgets can cause annoyance or distraction.

However, it enables people to communicate no matter where they are, not only boosting international trade or e – commerce but also promoting cultural exchange and mutual understanding. Consequently, geographical barrier will be deleted and enhance the development of worldwide economy. In addition, human – being was provided mobile and convenient source of entertainment for the modern hectic life. In other hand, technology supply quick and easy access to necessary information or contact when people stuck in a problem. A good example for this is when we get lost in the narrow city or have an accident, we need to use our smart phone to solve the problem.

Last but not least, although the increasing of technology can cause several disadvantages, I strongly believe that its advantages can make up and connect human in the world.

With the rapid advancement of communication technology: smart phones, tablets and other mobile devices, some people believe that the disadvantages outweigh the advantages.
4.53 (90.59%) 17 votes

1 Answers
Harie Jane answered 6 months ago

To me, this is a pretty well-organized essay :). I corrected some mistakes for you below:

Nowadays, the drammatical [dramatic] development of technology causes several benefits and drawbacks in our society [this should be the thesis statement and be the final sentence in the introduction]. Technological gadgets play a vital role in individual’s basic material and spirit needs [everyday life] [this sentence should be the background statement and be put at the beginning] as well as it brings more good than harm. 
First of all, individual should recognize a lot of drawback of technology [It is true that communication technology has its own drawbacks]. It weakens some communication skills because most time [most of the time] is spent in the virtual world. For example, more and more postgraduated [graduate] students are bad [helpless] at soft skills like presentation, team – work, etc. As a result, they cannot find [too strong ==> may struggle finding] out a well – paid job. Besides that, if people take many time to use [spend too much time on] technology, their social interaction will be reduced and the sense of community will be deteriorated. For instance, individual seem [to] focus on mobile phone, tables instead of chatting with their friend in the coffee shop or public place. This would lead to their relationships become [becoming] boring and unexciting [no need, same meaning with ‘boring’]. Furthermore, technological gadgets can cause annoyance or distraction.
However[there should be a topic sentence here ==> However, I personally think that advantages offered by mobile phones, tablets and other gadgets far outweigh all the troubles they cause] it enables people to communicate no matter where they are, not only boosting international trade or e – commerce but also promoting cultural exchange and mutual understanding. Consequently, geographical barrier will be deleted and enhance the development of worldwide economy [should change into passive voice to be similar with the clause in front of ‘and’]. In addition, human – being was provided mobile and convenient source of entertainment for the modern hectic life. In [On the] other hand, technology supply[supplies] quick and easy access to necessary information or contact when people stuck in a problem [quite informal -> find themselves in trouble]. A good example for this [case in point] is when we get lost in the [a] narrow city or have an accident, we need to use our smart phone to solve the problem [our smart phone can be a life-saver/trouble-shooter].
Last but not least [not suitable ==> In conclusion], although the increasing [increasing popularity] of technology can cause several disadvantages, I strongly believe that its advantages can make up and connect human in the world [make up for the drawbacks and transform the world into a better place to live in]
Comment
    Good range of vocabulary
    Logical ideas
    Quite good control of grammar, with several blunders
    The introduction and the conclusion are not very well-written. Bear in mind that there should be a background statement and a thesis statement in the introduction.
    Some problems with usage of conjunctions (on the other hand, last but not least, etc.)
From my perspective, your essay is around band 6.0
You shoud work on your introduction and cohesion & coherence 

With the rapid advancement of communication technology: smart phones, tablets and other mobile devices, some people believe that the disadvantages outweigh the advantages.
4.53 (90.59%) 17 votes

Get more stuff like this
in your inbox

Subscribe to our mailing list and get interesting stuff and updates to your email inbox.