Thuy Dung Pham and Rachel please check my essay. I need your help…thanks in advance

QuestionsThuy Dung Pham and Rachel please check my essay. I need your help…thanks in advance
livermore asked 2 months ago

It is inevitable that as technology develops so traditional cultures must be lost. Technology and tradition are incompatible – you can not have both together. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Obviously, current technological advancement has quickly eroded national culture which we inherited from our ancestors. Namely, all traditional performances, celebrations, musical instruments even though national games are lesser and lesser attention in this century of globalization. Personally, I disagree with the above situation and this essay will provide argument to support it.
To begin with, children nowadays are more interested in playing video games rather than traditional games which they reckon old-fashioned. Apart from this traditional musical instruments such as rubob and dutor are being replaced by new innovations in particular, piano and electric guitars. In addition to this, the number of national performances and celebrations decreased significantly. For instance, Navro`z holiday have also been decimated over the last decades. This is mainly due to creation of idiot boxes called television which demonstrate variety of unnecessary TV shows. Unfortunately, present people slave of TV and it being managed big part of users while they following its rules.
Undoubtedly, traditional culture is slowly being wiped out by strength of modern technology. However, both of them are not matually incompatible. In other words both of them can exist together. Certain step in this problematic situation can bring forgetten traditional cultures back into our society. One way of doing this is to educate younger generation according to national traditions. Parents also play principal role in teaching their children to appreciate traditions which pass down from generation to generation. Moreover, government should legislate concrete laws which related to preservation of traditions then young people can not neglect traditions.
Briefly, conception of national traditions is sacred sense for everyone, therefore we should save it and at the same time carry on to utilize technology for developing purposes.
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Thuy Dung Pham and Rachel please check my essay. I need your help…thanks in advance
5 (100%) 3 votes

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livermore replied 2 months ago

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livermore replied 1 month ago

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2 Answers
Dipen answered 2 months ago

Apart from this,(COMMA IS ESSENTIAL HERE) traditional musical instruments such as rubob and dutor are being replaced by new innovations,(COMMA NECESSARY) in particular, piano and electric guitars.
Unfortunately, present people are(ADDED ‘ARE’)slave of TV and it being managed big part of users while they following its rules.(SENTENCE FORMATION OF BOLD PART IS NOT PROPER).
Moreover, government should legislate concrete laws which relate(NOT RELATED) to preservation of traditions then young people can not neglect traditions. (
BOLD PART IS A MISMATCH.Suggested sentence:Moreover, if government legislate concrete laws which relate to preservation of traditions, then young people can not neglect traditions. )
OTHERWISE PERFECT!!

Thuy Dung Pham and Rachel please check my essay. I need your help…thanks in advance
5 (100%) 3 votes

livermore replied 2 months ago

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livermore replied 2 months ago

Thanks your feedback! Can you assess?

livermore replied 2 months ago

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livermore replied 2 months ago

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livermore replied 1 month ago

please assess my essay.

livermore replied 1 month ago

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Rachel answered 1 month ago

Obviously, current technological advancement has quickly eroded national culture which we inherited from our ancestors. Namely, all traditional performances, celebrations, musical instruments even though national games are lesser and lesser attention (?!) in this century of globalization. Personally, I disagree with the above situation and this essay will provide argument to support it (you should clarify what is ‘it’ here refers to. might be confused bw ‘above situation’ and your disagreement’).
To begin with, children nowadays are more interested in playing video games rather than traditional games which they reckon old-fashioned. Apart from this traditional musical instruments such as rubob and dutor are being replaced by new innovations in particular, piano and electric guitars. In addition to this, the number of national performances and celebrations decreased significantly. For instance, Navro`z holiday have also been decimated over the last decades. This is mainly due to creation of idiot boxes (language) called television which demonstrates a variety of unnecessary TV shows. Unfortunately, present people slave of TV and it being managed (?!) big part of users while they following its rules.
Undoubtedly, traditional culture is slowly being wiped out by strength of modern technology. However, both of them are not matually incompatible. In other words both of them can exist together. Certain step in this problematic situation can bring forgotten traditional cultures back into our society. One way of doing this is to educate younger generation according to national traditions. Parents also play principal role in teaching their children to appreciate traditions which pass down from generation to generation. Moreover, government should legislate concrete laws which related to preservation of traditions then young people can not neglect traditions.
Briefly, conception of national traditions is sacred sense for everyone, therefore we should save it and at the same time carry on to utilize technology for developing purposes.
TA – 6.5
CC – 6.5
LR – 6.5

  • good range of vocab
  • some errors in spelling

GRA – 6.0

  • use complex sentences however, some are not correct or unclear
  • some sentences became unclear due to errors in punctuation (after a complete though, you should put a punctuation, (coma, semicolon,…) to signal a new thought)
  • made some errors in grammar, punctuation…

Overall 6.5

Thuy Dung Pham and Rachel please check my essay. I need your help…thanks in advance
5 (100%) 3 votes

livermore replied 2 months ago

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livermore replied 2 months ago

Thanks your feedback! Can you assess?

livermore replied 2 months ago

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livermore replied 1 month ago

please assess my essay.

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