Targeting a band 8, cannot seem to go past 7.5. Would appreciate if someone could mark my essay, Thanks in Advance!

QuestionsCategory: Writing Task 2Targeting a band 8, cannot seem to go past 7.5. Would appreciate if someone could mark my essay, Thanks in Advance!
naradaa123 asked 2 years ago

In spite of the many advances women have made in education and employment, they continue to be at a disadvantage when it comes to pay and promotion. In your view, what should be done to promote equality of opportunity for men and women in the work place.
 
In most parts of the world today women have made progress in education and employment. However, there is incontrovertible proof of gender inequality in the workplace when pay and promotions are considered. These problems require immediate solutions, I propose the need for an independent committee to evaluate employees for promotion and for legislative measures to be brought in by governments to ensure equal pay.
The first solution of having an independent committee is very feasible. The committee would study all the employees that are interested in a promotion, consider past work performances, dedication to the company, and all other data including statements from co-workers. Finally hold interviews as terms of final assessment and base the decision of promoting them based on results of all of the above and not merely on ones gender.
The solution to address the problem of inequality in pay is slightly more complex as pay varies depending on professions, locations and employer. For gender inequality concerns a majority of the population, legislative measures need to be in place for equal pay. Legislation would allow governments’ access to employee payroll records from corporations and asses them by cross referencing records of similar positions with different genders to identify inequality in pay.
In conclusion, a problem as complex as inequality needs to be addressed without delay. The solutions of an independent committee to assess employees for promotion and legislative measures to have equal pay may both need revision. Even though this may not solve the problems completely it is definitely steps towards equality in the work place.

Targeting a band 8, cannot seem to go past 7.5. Would appreciate if someone could mark my essay, Thanks in Advance!
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1 Answers
Rachel Evans answered 2 years ago

In spite of the many advances women have made in education and employment, they continue to be at a disadvantage when it comes to pay and promotion. In your view, what should be done to promote equality of opportunity for men and women in the work place?
 
In most parts of the world today women have made progress in education and employment. However, there is incontrovertible proof of gender inequality in the workplace when pay and promotions are considered. These problems require immediate solutions. I propose the need for an independent committee to evaluate employees for promotion and for legislative measures to be brought in by governments to ensure equal pay.
The first solution of having an independent committee is very feasible. The committee would study all the employees that are interested in a promotion, consider past work performances, dedication to the company, and all other data including statements from co-workers. Finally hold interviews as terms of final assessment and base the decision of promoting them based on results of all of the above and not merely on ones gender.
The solution to address the problem of inequality in pay is slightly more complex as pay varies depending on professions, locations and employer. For gender inequality concerns a majority of the population, legislative measures need to be in place for equal pay. Legislation would allow governments’ access to employee payroll records from corporations and assess them by cross referencing records of similar positions with different genders to identify inequality in pay.
In conclusion, a problem as complex as inequality needs to be addressed without delay. The solutions of an independent committee to assess employees for promotion and legislative measures to have equal pay may both need revision. Even though this may not solve the problems completely it is definitely steps towards equality in the work place.
TA – 8.0

  • address all parts of the task
  • present a clear position throughout the respond

CC – 8.0

  • clear topics within each paragraph

LR – 8.0
GRA – 8.5

  • maybe faulty in punctuations
  • good range of structures

Overall 8.0
This is a well written essay, why do you think you cannot go past a 7.5?
It’s wiser to divide the body into 2 paragraphs
 

Targeting a band 8, cannot seem to go past 7.5. Would appreciate if someone could mark my essay, Thanks in Advance!
Rate this post

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