Pls correct and give score for my essay for ielts. Thanks in advance

QuestionsCategory: Writing Task 2Pls correct and give score for my essay for ielts. Thanks in advance
vinay123 asked 2 years ago

Some people think that it is better to educate boys and girls in separate schools. Others, however, believe that boys and girls benefit more from attending mixed schools.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
 
In this modern era, education is essential for enlightenment, for a more cultured society and crime free society. Co-education has become a debating issue in the society. Some people argue that separate education for boys and girls has benefits, while others contradict this view. In this essay, I will contend the benefits and detrimental effects of both views and enlist my opinion.
Co-education has many advantages not only for individual but also for society. Studying together provide opportunity to boys and girls to interact each other, thus enabling to get adjusted and respect each other in later part of their life.As a consequence, people embrace each other and humanity as well.Moreover, this will enhance their confidence to talk and work together during later stages of working environment. However, in rare cases, competition between boys and girls lead to personal revenge. For instance, if a girl scores more in academics, boys might feel insulted and they start keep jealous and negative attitude towards each other. In addition, because of attraction to opposite gender many students might lose concentration on academics and involve more in other activities like involve in impressing each other, doing fun activities etc.
On the other hand, separate education system has its own advantages. Students concentrate more on studies by avoiding unwanted activities. This education system does not contradict with religious beliefs like Islamic belief. Teachers treat everyone equally by eradicating the sexual discrimination. For instance, complaint like male teacher give more importance to female students and will be liberal in giving grades will be eliminated. However, this education has a hindrance in many ways. Opposite gender may feel shy and discomfort to work together in their later stages.
In conclusion, both education systems have their own pros and cons. In today’s competitive world, both men and women have to come across to each other in the market and society and hence in my opinion, teaching together is better in such a way that its negative impacts should not overweigh its positives

Pls correct and give score for my essay for ielts. Thanks in advance
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vinay123 replied 2 years ago

@Rachel, Thanks for your valuable feedback.I didn’t get for what the below words are marked in red.Kindly help in making understand so that I shall work to improve

1.enlist
2.interact (prep.?) each other,
3.start keep jealous and negative attitude
4.teaching together (?)

Rachel replied 2 years ago

Hi Vinay,
1. 'enlist' is not suitable in this situation, you can look up on the dictionary 😉
2. after 'interact' should be a preposition
3. meaning is unclear. and after 'start', it should be either to V or Ving
4. the subject that you're referring to is 'boys and girls', right? so it should be in passive voice rather than active voice 😉
R.

vinay123 replied 2 years ago

ok thank you

1 Answers
Rachel Evans answered 2 years ago

In this modern era, education is essential for enlightenment, for a more cultured society and crime free society. Co-education has become a debating issue in the society. Some people argue that separate education for boys and girls has benefits, while others contradict this view. In this essay, I will contend the benefits and detrimental effects of both views and enlist my opinion.
Co-education has many advantages not only for individual but also for society. Studying together provides opportunity to boys and girls to interact (prep.?) each other, thus enabling them to get adjusted and respect each other in later part of their life. As a consequence, people embrace each other and humanity as well. Moreover, this will enhance their confidence to talk and work together during later stages of working environment. However, in rare cases, competition between boys and girls lead to personal revenge. For instance, if a girl scores more in academics, boys might feel insulted and they start keep jealous and negative attitude towards each other. In addition, because of attraction to opposite gender many students might lose concentration on academics and involve more in other activities like involve in impressing each other, doing fun activities etc.
On the other hand, separate education system has its own advantages. Students concentrate more on studies by avoiding unwanted activities. This education system does not contradict with religious beliefs like Islamic belief. Teachers treat everyone equally by eradicating the sexual discrimination GENDER discrimination. For instance, complaint like male teacher give more importance to female students and will be liberal in giving grades will be eliminated. However, this education has a hindrance in many ways. Opposite gender may feel shy and discomfort to work together in their later stages.
In conclusion, both education systems have their own pros and cons. In today’s competitive world, both men and women have to come across to each other in the market and society and hence in my opinion, teaching together (?) is better in such a way that its negative impacts should not overweigh its positives
TA – 6.0

  • address all parts but some parts may not sufficiently developed

CC – 6.0

  • present a central topic within each paragraph

LR – 6.0

  • attempt to use less common words
  • make some errors in word choice, collocation, and may be repetitive at places…

GRA – 6.0

  • use a mix of complex and simple sentence forms
  • there are some errors that cause difficulties for readers
  • errors in punctuations and minor in sv agreement

Overall 6.0

Pls correct and give score for my essay for ielts. Thanks in advance
Rate this post

vinay123 replied 2 years ago

@Rachel, Thanks for your valuable feedback.I didn’t get for what the below words are marked in red.Kindly help in making understand so that I shall work to improve

1.enlist
2.interact (prep.?) each other,
3.start keep jealous and negative attitude
4.teaching together (?)

Rachel replied 2 years ago

Hi Vinay,
1. 'enlist' is not suitable in this situation, you can look up on the dictionary 😉
2. after 'interact' should be a preposition
3. meaning is unclear. and after 'start', it should be either to V or Ving
4. the subject that you're referring to is 'boys and girls', right? so it should be in passive voice rather than active voice 😉
R.

vinay123 replied 2 years ago

ok thank you

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