Please review my essay and provide feedback thanks in advance

QuestionsCategory: Writing Task 2Please review my essay and provide feedback thanks in advance
Balachandhar Raghu asked 2 years ago

In many countries, governments are spending a large amount of money on improving internet access. Why is it happening and do you think it is the most appropriate use of government money?

 Every Country Needs to be technologically advanced to cope up with the pace of development in the global market.Internet is the base for all technological advancements.In this essay we are going to discuss about the ratio of money spent by the goverment to enable internet access to all its citizens and its benefits.
Internet can be considered a minor factor when compared to the basic needs of citizens such as health care benefits and education. When considering an individual’s development in terms of exposure and knowledge internet plays a vital role.A country is always dependent on its younger workforce for the development of economy. The younger generations are scattered throughout the nation right from rural to Metros who are in definite need of internet to increase their knowledge and get exposed to global scenarios which will give them a upper hand to educate and innovate.
Education and innovation will definitely improve the employability of the students and market for new business.Hence Internet would be a key to education and exposure. Internet cannot be compared as like a primary spending such as healthcare or education.It is an one time investment for spreading throughout the nation and later on minor maintenance which is going to be outnumbered by the benefits we receive through them.
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1 Answers
Thuy Dung Pham answered 2 years ago

Every country needs to be technologically advanced to cope up with the pace of global development in the global market. Internet is the base for all technological advancements.In This essay we are is going to discuss about the ratio portion of of money budget spent by the government to enable Internet access to all its citizens and its benefits.
Internet can be considered as a minor factor when compared to the basic needs of the society such as healthcare benefits services and education. When considering (non-academic) However, the Internet plays a vital role an individual’s development in terms of exposure and knowledge.A country is always dependent on its younger workforce for the economic development of economy. The younger generations are scattered throughout the a nation right from rural to Metros from rural to urban areas who are in definite need of internet to increase gain their knowledge and get exposed able to see the to global scenarios which will give them a upper-hand to educate and innovate.
Education and innovation will definitely improve the employability-> employment of the students and market for new business.Hence Internet would be a key to education and exposure. Internet cannot be compared as like to a primary spending such as healthcare or education.It is an one time investment for spreading throughout the nation and later on minor maintenance which is going to be outnumbered by the benefits we receive through them (spoken language, not appropriate for academic writing)
Feedback
Task requirement: 4.5 (only one idea is presented and repeated on and on without strong and supportive evidence, too simple)
Cohesion and coherence: 4.0 (adequate cohesion, lack of cohesive device)
Lexical resource: 4.0 (spoken language, limited use of academic vocabs)
Grammar Range and Accuracy: 4.0 (sentence structures are simple, make mistakes with grammar-relative clause due to unabling to maintaining long sentence, some sentence are unnecessarily too long and are confusing)
Overall: 4.0

Please review my essay and provide feedback thanks in advance
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