please help me evaluate thís essay

QuestionsCategory: Writing Task 2please help me evaluate thís essay
Thien_bui asked 2 years ago

Some people think that parents should teach children how to be good members of society. Others, however, believe that school is the place to learn this.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
Some opinions claim that children are taught to be helpful elements for community by their parents, while others think that the place where children are instructed on how to perfect their personalities is the school. This essay will discuss both of these point of  views.
Parents are responsible for their children, equipping them with the necessities in order to make them good members of any society. Firstly, children are strongly affected by their parents when they were young because they were born and were fed by their parents. If the parents instruct them with right methods they will respect people and obey the rules of their community. Secondly, parents will certainly be the first to show their children how they are expected to behave with others. For example, kids can learn the courtesy and the respect towards the homeless despite their poverty. By that way, a kid becoming a good person for their community definitely depends on their parents.
Learning to understand and share the values to the whole society cannot be achieved just at home, therefore, children also must be educated in school. In this environment, under direction of teachers, students will practice not only good behaviors but also a variety of other knowledge. A student will be blamed and review themselves if they have violent behaviours. Furthermore, they will experience studying and co-operating with others. As a result, they will realise the way to communicate and interact with people in their job and how to contribute to the community.
In conclusion, it is the responsibility of every member of a society to help and instruct the younger generation to become active and able members of that society.

 
 

please help me evaluate thís essay
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1 Answers
Rachel Evans answered 2 years ago

Some opinions claim that children are taught to be helpful elements for community by their parents, while others think that the place where children are instructed on how to perfect their personalities is the school. This essay will discuss both of these points of views/ views.
Parents are responsible for their children, equipping them with the necessities in order to make them good members of any society. Firstly, children are strongly affected by their parents when they were young because they were born and were fed (word choice)/ [brought up] by their parents. If the parents instruct them with right methods they will respect people and obey the rules of their community. Secondly, parents will certainly be the first to show their children how they are expected to behave with others. For example, kids can learn the courtesy and the respect towards the homeless despite their poverty. By that way, a kid becoming a good person for their community definitely depends on their parents.
Learning to understand and share the values to the whole society cannot be achieved just at home, therefore, children also must be educated in school. In this environment, under direction of teachers, students will practice not only good behaviors but also a variety of other knowledge. A student will be blamed and review themselves if they have violent behaviours. Furthermore, they will experience studying and co-operating with others. As a result, they will realise the way to communicate and interact with people in their job and how to contribute to the community.
In conclusion, it is the responsibility of every member of a society to help and instruct the younger generation to become active and able members of that society.
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Overall 6.5. (or 7.0 minor)
Clear overall structures with good coherence and use of vocabs, however, word choices may be a weakness.

please help me evaluate thís essay
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