Please help me correct this essay!!!

QuestionsPlease help me correct this essay!!!
nguyenlykimngan asked 4 months ago

Some people think that large, impressive buildings are important for a city. Other believe that the money should be spent on improving schools and hospitals. 
Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
Give reasons and relevant examples.
While people are of the opinion that it is essential for a city to have giant and amazing apartments, others believe that it is better to invest the amount of money in building schools and hospitals. I totally agree with this statement.
On the one hand, there are various reasons why people think that impressive buildings are necessary for a city. The most important one is to use for developing the industry and tourism. For example, Pompidous Center, which is a well-known apartmen, attracted more than 6 million tourists when it was opened for the first time after constructing. The increasing in the number of visitors has helped this country develop tourism considerably because it makes the city look modern and unique, that is why Pompidous attracts lots if tourists every year. Moreover, these buildings can improve the quality of infrastructure and make life of people more convenient.
On the other hand, I believe that spending the amount of money on constructing and improving the quality of schools is much better than on amazing apartments. Creating a modern and convenient for students could make them study comfortably. Through upgrading the infrastructure of schools and hospitals, students can make more experiments and patients can be cured efficiently. As an illustration, people in Iraq spend more money on developing the education system and necessary equipments such as supplying more tools so that students can apply their knowledge into practicing. The children can learn new things every thanks to the innovation of facilities and the knowledge they have gained will make the country develop stably. In addition to schools, hospitals should also be focused because more and more people suffer from serious diseases. These people need health care services which can be invested by the government. 
In conclusion, although it might be necessary for a city to own impressive buildings but I personally prefer spending that amount of money on improving community facilities, which will make the society more developed.

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1 Answers
Thuy Dung Pham answered 3 months ago

While people are of the opinion that it is essential for a city to have giant and amazing apartments, others believe that it is better to invest the amount of money in building schools and hospitals. I totally agree with this statement.
On the one hand, there are various reasons why people think that impressive buildings are necessary for a city. The most important one is to use for developing the industry and tourism. For example, Pompidous Center, which is a well-known apartmen (spelling), attracted more than 6 million tourists when it was opened for the first time after constructing. The increasing in the number of visitors has helped this country develop tourism considerably because it makes the city look modern and unique, . that That is why Pompidous attracts lots if tourists every year. Moreover, these buildings can improve the quality of infrastructure and make life of people more convenient.
On the other hand, I believe that spending the amount of money on constructing and improving the quality of schools is much better than on amazing apartments. Creating a modern and convenient for students could make them study comfortably. Through upgrading the infrastructure of schools and hospitals, students can make more experiments and patients can be cured efficiently (It’s better to separate benefits of schools and hospitals into two sentences/ideas). As an illustration, people in Iraq spend more money on developing the education system and necessary equipments such as supplying more tools so that students can apply their knowledge into practicing. The children can learn new things every thanks to the innovation of facilities and the knowledge they have gained will make the country develop stably. In addition to schools, hospitals should also be focused because more and more people suffer from serious diseases. These people need health care services which can be invested by the government. 
In conclusion, although it might be necessary for a city to own impressive buildings but I personally prefer spending that amount of money on improving community facilities, which will make the society more developed.
Task achievement: 5.0 (presents some main ideas but the development is not always clear and not sufficiently developed, there may be irrelevant detail)
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0 (present information with some organisation but may be lack of overall progression)
Lexical Resource: 5.0 (uses only basic and limited range of vocabulary, some noticeable errors are found)
Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5.0 (uses only a very limited range of structures)
Overall: 5.0 (this task is too long and needs to be improved. You should write more logical, precise, and concise)
 
 

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