Please evaluate my writing task_2. Thanks in advance.

QuestionsCategory: Advantage/DisadvantagePlease evaluate my writing task_2. Thanks in advance.
livermore asked 3 years ago

Some suggest that young people should take a job for a few years between school and university
Discuss what the advantages and disadvantages might be for people who do this.
In many countries of the globe, majority of adolescents are working in the organizations or enterprises after graduating school during 2 or 3 years period in order to find financial  resource for entering to institutions. Actually, it is customary circumstance but it is still controversial and sensitive due to numerous  advantages and disadvantages. From my prospective, benefits in this discussion prevail upon the drawbacks owing to the following reasons.
Initially, if young people take job after finish school, they gain adequate money to pay whole tuition fees of university. Thus, it is vitally important for them since some student’s parents are unable to cover tuition fees. Furthermore, in this period adults agree to work any job even though it is waiter or salesmen, it does not matter. As a result, they have striking opportunity to learn different beneficial knowledge. In addition, this condition boost considerably their life experience because throughout  two or three years, they undergo so many difficulties in outcome they can know how to deal with other problems which they may run into in the university or future career.
In our life as everything has positive and negative sides, there are minor downsides associated with this theme. Namely, multitude of juveniles after earn much money, they think that this financial status and knowledge are enough to create future life. Consequently, this provisional idea compel them to neglect their study. Besides, if young individuals busy with own job for a long time, it may leads to family conflicts. In other words this problematic situation damage their family’s bond because after heavy workdays, exhausted mind and body cannot get on well with others.
By way of conclusion, from my personal point of view, this period is quite useful for young people since they acquire chance to comprehend real life.

livermore replied 3 years ago

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1 Answers
Nam Phuong answered 3 years ago

Some suggest that young people should take a job for a few years between school and university
Discuss what the advantages and disadvantages might be for people who do this.
In many countries of the globe, majority of adolescents are working in the organizations or enterprises after graduating school during 2 or 3 years period in order to find financial  resource for entering to (entering) institutions. Actually, it is customary circumstance but it is still controversial and sensitive due to numerous  advantages and disadvantages. From my prospective, benefits in this discussion prevail upon the drawbacks owing to the following reasons.
Initially, if young people take job after finish (finishing) school, they gain (would gain) adequate money to pay whole tuition fees of university. Thus, it is vitally important for them since some student’s parents are unable to cover tuition fees. Furthermore, in this period adults agree to work any job even though it is waiter or salesmen, it does not matter. As a result, they have striking opportunity to learn different beneficial knowledge. In addition, this condition boost considerably their life experience (==> their life experience considerably) because throughout  two or three years, they undergo so many difficulties (that) in outcome they can know how to deal with other problems which they may run into in the university or future career.
In our life as everything has positive and negative sides, there are minor downsides associated with this theme. Namely, multitude of juveniles after earn (earning) much money, they think that this financial status and knowledge are enough to create (good) future life. Consequently, this provisional idea compel them to neglect their study. Besides, if young individuals (are) busy with (his) own job for a long time, it may leads (lead) to family conflicts. In other words this problematic situation (might) damage their family’s bond because after heavy workdays, exhausted mind and body cannot get on well with others.
By way of conclusion, from my personal point of view, this period (taking a job in the period between school and university time) is quite useful for young people since they acquire chance to comprehend real life.

T.A: 7.5

  • address all parts of the task

C.C: 7.5

  • logically organize ideas with supporting explanation

L.R: 7.5

  • use sufficient range of vocabulary

G.R: 7.0

  • grammatical errors

Overall: 7.5

Good job but you should pay more attention to minor grammatical errors.

livermore replied 3 years ago

.

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