Please do give your evaluation and feedback on this essay (It's been a while since my IELTS test a year ago)

QuestionsCategory: Writing Task 2Please do give your evaluation and feedback on this essay (It's been a while since my IELTS test a year ago)
Gracia Sie asked 2 years ago

I found this type of question in a book and I have tried to work on it. This question doesn’t show whether I have to give my opinions or solution so I made it up* and conditioned myself to this type of question.
 
Children spend far too much time in front of television and computer screens. Their time should be strictly controlled. (Do you agree or disagree?*)
Children are highly active society in the making, where they are likely to interact with their fellows as well as older people in their environment. However, as time goes by, they are rarely seen playing and socializing with other people. Instead, they would rather stay indoors, watching televison and playing with computer for their own entertainment with little or without time restricions. In my opinion, these activities are indirectly overwhelming for children and has negative effects towards them.
First, too much spending time in either TV or computer screens can cause eye fatigue that leads to eye damage. This occurs due to the short distance between their eyes to the screen and forcing their eyes to take more light into their eyes than they should. In some similar cases, it can even cause blindness that cannot be reversed.
Second, with TV and computer all set, children will not have to worry about their source of entertainment. They don’t even bother to go outdoors and socializing with their friends. Without interacting more with real people, they gradually become antisocial and insensitive towards situation that is happening around them.
Third, with all facilities they have, they become very lazy to move their bodies. Fearing of missing out their favorite shows or games, they even will staare at the screen until it is over, without knowing time boundaries. Developing habits like this can cause them mentally and physically ill having lacked of actions that are related with motion and thinking.
When it comes to overcoming these issues, parents or older people in charge of them should limit their time and exposure to both TV and computer screens. Children should be encouraged to do more physical activities that can stimulate the work of their brain such as doing family-related activities i.e cooking, doing sport with friends, and playing interactive toys or puzzles.
All things considered, I would say that too much TV and computer exposure result negative effects that can cause children sickness and social problems. Time restrictions with physical activities so far are the most effective solution towards this problem.
(346 words).
 
 

Please do give your evaluation and feedback on this essay (It's been a while since my IELTS test a year ago)
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1 Answers
Thuy Dung Pham answered 2 years ago

Children are highly active society in the making, where they are likely to interact with their fellows as well as older people in their environment. However, as time goes by, they are rarely seen playing and socializing with other people (seeing children playing in public place like parks and socialize with their friends are pretty rare) . Instead, they would rather stay indoors, watching televison and playing with computer for as their own entertainment with little or without time restricions. In my opinion, these activities are indirectly overwhelming for children and has negative effects towards them.

First, too much spending time in either TV or computer screens can cause eye fatigue that leads to eye damage. This occurs due to the short distance between their eyes to the screen and forcing their eyes to take more light into their eyes than they should. In some similar cases, it can even cause blindness that cannot be reversed.
Second, with TV and computer all set, children will not have to worry about their source of entertainment. They don’t even bother to go outdoors and socializing with their friends. Without interacting more with real people, they gradually become antisocial and insensitive towards situation that is happening around them.
Third, with all facilities they have, they become very lazy to move their bodies. Fearing of missing out their favorite shows or games, they even will staare at the screen until it is over, without knowing time boundaries. Developing habits like this can cause them mentally and physically ill having lacked of actions that are related with motion and thinking.
When it comes to overcoming these issues, parents or older people in charge of them should limit their time and exposure to both TV and computer screens. Children should be encouraged to do more physical activities that can stimulate the work of their brain such as doing family-related activities i.e cooking, doing sport with friends, and playing interactive toys or puzzles.
All things considered, I would say that too much TV and computer exposure result negative effects that can cause children sickness and social problems. Time restrictions with physical activities so far are the most effective solution towards this problem.
(346 words).
Task achievement: 5.5 (presents some main ideas but the development is not always clear and not sufficiently developed)
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5 (presents information with some organisation but there may be lack of overall progression. Remember being “concise” and “precise” are very important in writing. I understand that you would like to mention all of the points, but it’s better if you put the most interesting points and develop them with examples and explanation)
Lexical Resource: 5.0 (uses a limited range of vocabulary, word choice, and repeatable words)
Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5.5 (uses a mix of simple and complex sentences but only a limited range of structures, mistake in punctuation and have some run-on sentence)
Overall: 5.5 (Overall, you understand the instruction but this task needs to be improved)

Please do give your evaluation and feedback on this essay (It's been a while since my IELTS test a year ago)
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