Please could you assess my writing part. Thank you!

QuestionsCategory: Writing Task 2Please could you assess my writing part. Thank you!
Meiirkhan Zhalel asked 4 months ago

Question:
All over the world, societies are facing a growing problem with obesity. This problem affects both children and adults. What are the reasons for this rise in obesity? How could it be tackled?
Answer:
These days, obesity becomes increasingly worrying issue in modern society worldwide. People of all ages can suffer from this affliction. For example, in Kazakhstan, this problem is getting worse and worse all the time. In this essay, I will look at the reasons and propose solutions to tackle it.
One of the main causes of people’s obesity is that they eat a lot of junk food, like hamburgers or fried chicken instead of healthy meal. Of course, it is easier to buy takeaway food in the nearby supermarket than cooking at home. Usually this fast food contains a high level of fat that affects on the people’s health negatively. To tackle this problem, government have to increase taxes on unhealthy food. That change will encourage people to move to healthy food.
Another problem is that people get used to drive cars to get to the desired destination, even if the live in the small cities. This leads to the problems with digestion system, because organism have to do something to digest food well. The way forward might be to increase taxes on petrol. In my opinion, after this families will start to use bicycles to the save their budget.
The third problem is that sport facilities are expensive these days. For instance, in Kazakhstan, the monthly abonnement costs about 50 dollars, therefore many people can`t afford it. Unless the sport centers reduce the prices of abonnements, the fewer people will go there. The solution is for the government to invest more money on building sport centers affordable to low and middle class.
To sum up, there is no doubt that obesity has become one of the main problems today that may affect children and adults. Government, adults, children have the responsibility to tackle this problem. In my view, unless people understand the whole seriousness of this issue, more and more people will suffer from this disease.

Please could you assess my writing part. Thank you!
5 (100%) 1 vote

1 Answers
Nam Phuong answered 3 months ago

All over the world, societies are facing a growing problem with obesity. This problem affects both children and adults. What are the reasons for this rise in obesity? How could it be tackled?
Answer:
These days, obesity becomes increasingly worrying issue in modern society worldwide. People of all ages can suffer from this affliction. For example, in Kazakhstan, this problem is getting worse and worse all the time. In this essay, I will look at the reasons and propose solutions to tackle it.
One of the main causes of people’s obesity is that they eat a lot of junk food, like hamburgers or fried chicken instead of healthy meal. Of course, it is easier to buy takeaway food in the nearby supermarket than cooking at home. Usually this fast food contains a high level of fat that affects on the people’s health negatively. To tackle this problem, government have to increase taxes on unhealthy food. That change will encourage people to move (switch) to healthy food.
Another problem is that people get used to drive (driving) cars to get to the desired destination, even if the live in the small cities. This leads to the problems with digestion system, because organism have to do something (==>try hard) to digest food well. The way forward might be to increase taxes (==>enforce the law that raise taxes) on petrol. In my opinion, after this families will start to use bicycles to the save their budget.
The third problem is that sport facilities are expensive these days. For instance, in Kazakhstan, the monthly abonnement costs about 50 dollars, therefore many people can`t afford it. Unless the sport centers reduce the prices of abonnements, the fewer (few) people will go there. The solution is for the government to invest more money on building sport centers affordable to low and middle class.
To sum up, there is no doubt that obesity has become one of the main problems today that may affect children and adults. Government, adults, children have the responsibility to tackle this problem. In my view, unless people understand the whole seriousness of this issue, more and more people will suffer from this disease.

T.R: 8.0

  • address all parts of the task
  • present well- developed response to the task

C.C: 8.0

  • sequence information logically

L.R: 7.0

  • should use a wider range of vocabulary
  • vocabulary errors

G.A: 8.0

  • good grammar

Overall: 8.0

Great job!

Please could you assess my writing part. Thank you!
5 (100%) 1 vote

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