Please could you assess my writing part. Thank you!

QuestionsCategory: Writing Task 2Please could you assess my writing part. Thank you!
Sufusen asked 3 years ago

Topic: Governments should spend money on railways rather than roads.
 To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement.
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. Write at least 250 words.
   Throughout the world, traffic issues have been disturbing many governments. Many countries have spared no effort in improving public transport. Opinion is divided as to whether governments ought to spend money on railways rather than roads. Personally, I agree that governments should spend money on railways as it is better to develop the railway transportation network than develop roads.
 
  Among the many benefits railway brings to us, three stand out. First, it provides an efficient and low-cost way for inhabitants to move around the city. The world’s population is booming, which led to urbanisation that accounts for negative effects——traffic congestion, the rising of unemployment rate environmental pollution and so on. Wage-earners can’t afford cost of using cars, not to speak of driving them on the highways. In the case, citizens tend to take the trains, including the High-Speed Rail, Express trains, Accommodation Fast Train, to save time and money to commute, get home and spend with their families or intimate friends.
 
   Second, more investment on railway infrastructure will help the environment by reducing pollution in towns and cities. This is partly because rail is far more fuel efficient than any other vehicles. Rail transit system is very complicated and detailed and train staff has well defined job responsibilities so that the odds of train wreck are slim. This allows us not have to deal with a variety of unexpected accidents every day.
 
   Furthermore, railway construction offers more jobs to the unemployed and promotes the surrounding economic development. The Chinese government spends the lion’s share of country’s financial revenue on railway construction to establish eight horizontal and eight vertical railway networks in 2020. For instance, the cargo train from the Chinese manufacturing hub of Yiwu arrived in Madrid in 2014, which is 30-container train of cutlery, toys, and other consumer goods will return to China after Christmas loaded with wine, ham, and olive oil. And China-Europe rail trade will most likely grow in the coming years. Railway can be a vital catalyst for strengthening the economic ties among different countries or regions.
 
   In conclusion, I do believe that governments should think over rail strategy before carry it out. Only in this way can it make the function play to the maximum.

1 Answers
Nam Phuong answered 3 years ago

Throughout the world, traffic issues have been disturbing many governments. Many countries have spared no effort in improving public transport. Opinion is divided as to whether governments ought to spend money on railways rather than (or) roads. Personally, I agree that governments should spend money on railways as it is better to develop the railway transportation network than develop roads.
Among the many benefits railway brings to us, three stand out. First, it provides an efficient and low-cost way for inhabitants to move around the city. The world’s population is booming, which led (lead) to urbanisation that accounts for negative effects——traffic congestion, the rising (rise) of unemployment rate, environmental pollution and so on. Wage-earners can’t afford cost of using cars, not to speak of driving them on the highways. In the case, citizens tend to take the trains, including the High-Speed Rail, Express trains, Accommodation Fast Train, to save time and money to commute, get home and spend with their families or intimate friends.
Second, more investment on railway infrastructure will help (preserve) the environment by reducing pollution in towns and cities. This is partly because rail is far more fuel efficient than any other vehicles. Rail transit system is very complicated and detailed and train staff has (have) well defined job responsibilities so that the odds of train wreck are slim (small). This allows us not have to deal with a variety of unexpected accidents every day.
Furthermore, railway construction offers more jobs to the unemployed and promotes the surrounding economic development. The Chinese government spends the lion’s share of country’s financial revenue on railway construction to establish eight horizontal and eight vertical railway networks in 2020. For instance, the cargo train from the Chinese manufacturing hub of Yiwu arrived in Madrid in 2014, which is 30-container train of cutlery, toys, and other consumer goods will return to China after Christmas loaded with wine, ham, and olive oil. And China-Europe rail trade will most likely grow in the coming years. Railway can be a vital catalyst for strengthening the economic ties among different countries or regions.
In conclusion, I do believe that governments should think over rail strategy before carry (carrying) it out. Only in (by) this way can it make the function play to the maximum.
T.R: 8.0

  • sufficient address all parts of the task

C.C: 8.0

  • clear progression throughout

L.R: 8.0

  • use sufficient range of vocabulary

G.A: 7.5

  • minor grammatical errors

Overall: 8.0
Great!

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