Please could you assess my writing part. Thank you!

QuestionsCategory: Writing Task 2Please could you assess my writing part. Thank you!
Sufusen asked 3 years ago

 I agree with governments should spend money on railways rather than roads.
First of all, the increasing cars accounts for traffic jam and many people always are waiting on the way to work or get home. Therefore, if governments spend money on railways, there will be less traffic accidents and more safe.
Secondly, lots of developing countries have a great population, like China, India, whose inhabitants are tend to choose a cheap way to travel and go out, because they cannot afford the expensive cars. Also, they can carry more goods and baggage for families or themselves if they take the train.
Thirdly, air population is a big problem in modern world, speeding railway construction can be good approaches to encourage us to take the train not drive cars.
Otherwise, more lands will be used for building houses, public facilities and so on. It urges us to reduce the use of road construction, but the population will not stop growing.
In addition, we need to go out to communicate with others in the world; we also need develop the economy, culture, and civilization. With faster trains, that will become easier.
What’s more, railways like a long strip which can extend with no limitation; it connects this world to unit together to overcome any difficulties. And you can appreciate different beautiful views when taking the train. Conversation is crucial for human, and if you take the train, you could talk with people besides you, which do help you relax during a long distance travel. But in a car, you could just talk with your familiar people or relatives.
Furthermore, some maintain that a small car only provide a tiny space, which is not beneficial for your metal healthy if you often drive cars on the road.
Ultimately, I assume that governments should spend money on railways rather than roads. Railways construction benefits us a lot than roads.

1 Answers
Nam Phuong answered 3 years ago

I agree with (that) should spend money on railways rather than roads.

First of all, the increasing (in the number of) cars accounts for traffic jam and many people always are waiting (in lines) on the way to work or get (getting) home. Therefore, if governments spend money on railways, there will be less traffic  accidents (congestion) and more safe. (safer)

Secondly, lots of developing countries have a great population, like China, India, whose inhabitants are tend to choose a cheap (economical) way to travel and go out, because they cannot afford the expensive cars (cost of using cars). Also, they can carry more goods and baggage for families or themselves if they take the train.

Thirdly, air population is a big problem in modern world, speeding railway construction can be good approaches to encourage us to take the train not drive (instead of driving) cars.

Otherwise, more lands will be used for building houses, public facilities and so on. It urges us to reduce the use of road construction, but the population will not stop growing.

In addition, we need to go out to communicate with others in the world; we also need (to) develop the economy, culture, and civilization. With faster trains, that will become easier.

What’s more, railways like a long strip which can extend (be extended) with no limitation; it connects this world to unit together to overcome any difficulties. And you can appreciate different beautiful views when taking (being on) the train. Conversation is crucial for human, and if you take the train, you could talk with people besides you, which do help you relax during a long distance travel. But in a car, you could just talk with your familiar people or relatives.

Furthermore, some maintain that a small car only provide a tiny space, which is not beneficial for your metal healthy (mental health)  if you often drive cars on the road.

Ultimately, I assume that governments should spend money on railways rather than roads. Railways construction benefits us a lot than roads.

T.R: 6.0

  • address parts of the task. however, I believe it would be better if you organize your ideas into 2-3 big ideas.

C.C: 5.5

  • overall progression is not clear enough as you use too many minor ideas

L.R: 5.5

  • should use wider range of vocabulary

G.A: 5.5

  • should you a combination of complex structures.

Overall: 5.5

Practice makes perfect.

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