Please could you assess my writing part. Thank you!

QuestionsCategory: Writing Task 2Please could you assess my writing part. Thank you!
Meiirkhan Zhalel asked 3 years ago

Question: It is a common aspiration among many young people to run their own business, rather than work for an employer. Do you think the advantages of working for yourself overweigh the drawbacks?
 
Answer: In recent years, opening a business has become very tempting way to make money. Moreover, more and more students want to start businesses immediately after graduation. However, it is not so easy task as it seems at the first sight, and many people fail in it. In this essay, I will look closer at pros and cons, and draw my conclusion. One of the main advantage is that you can be independent. In other words, you don`t have to obey and listen to people who are above you in a career ladder. For example, all serious decisions can be made by you. Another plus is that good business can be very profitable. Moreover, you have the opportunity to earn much more money that if you would work as an average employer. For instance, Bill Gates is a worldwide known entrepreneur and CEO of the biggest IT Corporation called Microsoft, which made him the richest person in the world, according to the data from Forbes journal. Major disadvantage of running a business is that there are many risks for new entrepreneurs who want to open a company from scratch. Also, many people believe that it is insecure at some point, because your apartments or cars can be on the line if you are losing a lot of money radically. Moreover, spoiled business can lead to bankruptcy, because many people lend money from banks. In conclusion, running a business from scratch is a great challenge for new entrepreneurs; however, it may be very rewarding at the end. In my opinion, newly graduates should firstly work as employers in companies to get an experience to start own business.

1 Answers
Nam Phuong answered 3 years ago

Question: It is a common aspiration among many young people to run their own business, rather than work for an employer. Do you think the advantages of working for yourself overweigh the drawbacks?

Answer: In recent years, opening a business has become very tempting way to make money. Moreover (Therefore), more and more students want to start businesses immediately after graduation. However, it is not so easy task as it seems at the first sight, and many people fail (have failed) in it. In this essay, I will look closer at pros and cons, and draw my conclusion.

One of the main advantage(s) is that you can be independent. In other words, you don`t have to obey and listen to people who are above you in a career ladder. For example, all serious (important) decisions can be made by you. Another plus is that good business can be very profitable. Moreover, you have the opportunity to earn much more money that if you would work as an average (normal) employer. For instance, Bill Gates is a worldwide known entrepreneur and CEO of the biggest IT Corporation called Microsoft, which made him the richest person in the world, according to the data from Forbes journal. Major disadvantage of running a business is that there are many risks for new entrepreneurs who want to open a company from scratch. Also, many people believe that it is insecure at some point, because your apartments or cars can be on the line if you are losing a lot of money radically. Moreover, spoiled business can lead to bankruptcy, because many people lend money from banks.

In conclusion, running a business from scratch is a great challenge for new entrepreneurs; however, it may be very rewarding at the end. In my opinion, newly graduates should firstly work as employers (employees) in companies to get an experience to start own business.

T.R: 5.5

  • address the task partially
  • main ideas don’t support conclusion much (you only mentioned pros and cons of start – up, didn’t mention benefit of working in companies ┬ábut in conclusion, you said that newly graduates should firstly work as employees in companies)

C.C: 5.5

  • lack of overall progression
  • too many minor ideas, you should put them in a main ideas

L.R: 5.0

  • limited range of vocabulary

G.A: 5.5

  • should use a good combination of complex and simple structure

Overall: 5.5

You should try more!

 

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