Please check and score my task 2 essay!

QuestionsCategory: Advantage/DisadvantagePlease check and score my task 2 essay!
kotsu98 asked 1 year ago

With the increasing use and development of new technology, many machines are now able to do the work which people used to perform.What are the advantages and disadvantages of this trend?
Nowadays, the influence of new technology devices can be seen in numerous aspects of our lives, including the occupational area. Undoubtedly, there are positives as well as negatives of engaging machines into work that used to be carried out by people.
One of the main advantages of introducing machines at workplaces is that it significantly decreases expenditure of a workplace. This is to say, employees rarely exert themselves for the minimum wage and frequently demand a rise after a certain time of employment. In addition, a company needs to allocate resources into providing its workers with a proper work environment. In comparison, introducing the machines to perform specific tasks includes only the cost of one-time purchase and servicing. Another beneficial effect of this development is that the technological devices are capable of performing the same amount of work in relatively shorter time, what has a positive impact on the company’s business.
However, there are also drawbacks of replacing human workers with technological devices, especially regarding the labour market. As a majority of rich businesses could afford professional machines, a vast number of workers were dismissed. In many affluent countries, for instance, the unemployment rate rose considerably after machines became prevalent at many workplaces. Moreover, many people argue that there are jobs where humans cannot be replaced by technology. Taking a receptionist occupation for example, although the performed tasks are not very complex and could be easily handled by a computer software, companies restrain from the replacement as customers value a human interaction.
In conclusion, plenty of workplaces decided to substitute their staff with technological devices in the past decade, what to some extent should be considered as a positive trend. Nonetheless, despite the convenience that machines bring into the business, the superiority of human resources still can be seen in various careers.

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1 Answers
Thuy Dung Pham answered 1 year ago

Nowadays, the influence of new technology devices can be seen in numerous aspects of our lives, including the occupational area. Undoubtedly, there are positives as well as negatives [effects] of engaging machines into work that used to be carried out by people. 
One of the main advantages of introducing machines at workplaces is that it significantly decreases expenditure of a workplace. This is to say, employees rarely exert themselves for the minimum wage and frequently demand [/desire for] a rise [promotion] after a certain time of employment. In addition, a company needs to allocate resources into [to] providing [provide] its workers with a proper work environment. In comparison, introducing the machines to perform specific tasks includes only the cost of one-time purchase and servicing. Another beneficial effect of this development is that the technological devices are capable of performing the same amount of work in relatively shorter time, what (‘what’ is not used for relative clauses) [which] has a positive impact on the company’s business.
However, there are also drawbacks of replacing human workers with technological devices, especially regarding [to] the labour market. As a majority of rich businesses could afford professional machines, a vast number of workers were dismissed. In many affluent countries, for instance, the unemployment rate rose considerably after machines became prevalent at many workplaces (unnecessary). Moreover, many people argue that there are jobs where humans cannot be replaced by technology. Taking a receptionist occupation for as an example (the underlined part indicates phrases used in spoken languages, not appropriate for academic writing) [For example,] although the [tasks] performed tasks [receptionists] are not very (informal) [highly] complex [/are uncomplicated] and could be easily handled by a computer softwares, companies restrain from the replacement as customers value a (unnecessary) human interaction. 
In conclusion, [due to…] plenty of workplaces [have] decided to substitute their staff[s] with technological devices in [since] the past decade, what (‘what’ is not used for relative clauses) [which] to some extent should be considered as a positive trend. Nonetheless, despite the convenience that machines bring into the business, the superiority of human resources still can be seen in various careers.
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Task achievement: 8.0 (excellent response to the task, clear and supportive evidence, take not on using linking phrases that are more academic, for the conclusion you may include some reasons you’ve discussed in short noun phrases to make it more fulfilled and not simply repeat the Intro]
Cohesion and Coherence: 8.0 (excellent organization, ideas are clearly explained)
Lexical Range: 8.0 (no spelling mistakes, phrasal verbs and phrases are used fluently)
Grammar Accuracy: 7.0 (take note on relative clauses and articles-a/an/the, complex structures are well-maintained)
Overall: 8.0

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