Kindly evaluate my essay , give me bandscore for each of the four marking criterias and tips about how can i improve them… thanku in advance

QuestionsCategory: DicussionKindly evaluate my essay , give me bandscore for each of the four marking criterias and tips about how can i improve them… thanku in advance
Arshpreet Kaur asked 7 months ago

Some members of society think that parents should teach children how to be good members of society.
Others, however, believe that school is the place to learn this. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
MY SAMPLE ANSWER FOR THIS QUESTION :
It is believed by few people that children ought to be taught by father and mother about becoming productive members of society. However, others think that the best place for them to learn this is an educational institute. This essay will discuss about both these ideas followed by my opinion.

To begin with, it is commonly seen that variety of roles, which are played by parents as social members, teach kids many new learning. In other words, children usually see their parents in all stages of life and, they also learn, that how to deal with different situations effectively, from them. Assertive behavior of parents teach them a lot about social life. In India, for example, most of the working mothers demonstrate their teen daughters a dual role and also, how to deal efficiently with personal and professional life, by taking the family responsibility as well as doing a job.

On the other hand, children meet different kind people at school, who have distinct responsibilities at work place, such as, school principal, peers, sports coach and even a peon. Therefore, a child can learn, how to work with senior and junior authorities and in collaboration, from them. Moreover, children spend a lot of time at their schools these days; which offer them more opportunity to gain extra at a learning place apart from their academics. To illustrate this, many educational institutes have already introduced a special lecture about moral and social values in school curriculum.

In conclusion, however, I personally think that number of roles can be taught by the parents to their children which can help them to excel in society but still as children are spending more time at school and, it is a place offering them learning ambience. So, it must be the responsibility of schools to teach children about becoming a productive social member.

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1 Answers
Thuy Dung Pham answered 6 months ago

It is believed by few people that children ought to be taught by father and mother about becoming productive members of society. However, others think that the best place for them to learn this is an educational institute. This essay will shall discuss about both of these ideas and followed by my personal opinion.

To begin with, it is commonly seen that a variety of roles, (wrong!!! No punctuation here) are played by parents as social members, one of which is to educate their kids many new learning. In other words, children usually see their parents in all stages of life and they also learn, that how to deal with different situations effectively from them. Assertive behaviors of parents teach them a lot about social life. In India, for example, most of the working mothers demonstrate for their teenage daughters a dual role efficiently deal with personal and professional life, by taking the family responsibility for the family as well as doing pursuing a successful career.

On the other hand, children meet different kind people at school, who have distinct responsibilities at workplace, such as school principal, peers, sports coach and even a peon. Therefore, a child can learn how to work with senior and junior authorities and in collaboration from them. Moreover, children spend a lot of time at their school these days;(never use semi-colon for relative clause!!!) ,which offer provides them more opportunity-> opportunities to gain extra experiences at a learning place apart from their academics. To illustrate this, many (non-academic)-> a number of educational institutes have already introduced a practical lectures sessions about moral and social values in school curriculum.

In conclusion, however, I personally think that a number of roles can be taught played by the parents which can enable them to help their children excel in society but (non-academic) yet still as children are encouraged to spend more time at school and, since schools it is a place offering them learning ambience. So (non-academic) Therefore, it must should be the responsibility of schools to teach train children about to becoming become a productive social member.
Feedback
Task achievement: 5.5 (both ideas are poorly discussed, evidence are not supportive enough)
Coherence and cohesion: 6.0 (clear overall idea, yet it’s not strongly built)
Lexical resources: 6.0 (many non-academic words, mis-spelling mistakes)
Grammar Range and Accuracy: 5.0 (lack of flexibility with complex sentence structure, grammar mistakes, be careful with punctuation!!!)
Overall: 6.0 (good attempts yet try to strenghthen your points of view, be careful with punctuation and grammar)

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