Kindly evaluate my essay , give me bandscore for each of the four marking criterias and tips about how can i improve them… thanku in advance

QuestionsCategory: Writing Task 2Kindly evaluate my essay , give me bandscore for each of the four marking criterias and tips about how can i improve them… thanku in advance
Saajan Ali Memon asked 4 months ago

In many countries schools have severe problems with students behavior.
What do you think are the causes of this?
What solutions can you suggest?
 
 
Pupils’ behavior is considered to be important problem in this modern era. Institutes in a number of countries are facing this undesirable response from their adolescents. However, there is no denying that it does exist. There are various factors behind this and, off course a number of appropriate approaches also exist to tackle the situation.

One major behind this unacceptable behavior is lack of communication with their parents. Their families spend most of the time doing other unnecessary activities, which in result tend them to spend time with their friends instead. Secondly, schools nowadays are busy giving education only related to their course rather than moral values of society and teachers, this trend might affect their mentality. Finally, many of the schools prefer to give severe punishments to their students for their unpardonable activities in schools and incomplete homework.

Turning to its solutions, the situation can be dealt from different angles. Firstly, their parents should spend their precious time with their children not only this but, guide and teach them various things to deal with their teachers in schools and maintain schools’ decorum, because they are very first teachers of their own children. Secondly, institutes must deliver lectures about the ethics, because study shows that “what they seek in between one to three years of age will remain in their minds for life time”. Finally, instead of treating them as sinners by giving physical punishments to their young pupils, school management should deal in a right manner and teach them with their core of hearts.

In conclusion, students’ rough behavior does really exist because of few mistakes of their parents and the teachers, but can be solved with valuable contributions of their families and teachers too.

Kindly evaluate my essay , give me bandscore for each of the four marking criterias and tips about how can i improve them… thanku in advance
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1 Answers
Nam Phuong answered 3 months ago

Pupils’ behavior is considered to be important problem in this modern era. Institutes in a number of countries are facing this undesirable response from their adolescents. However, there is no denying that it does exist. There are various factors behind this and, off (of) course a number of (==>numerous) appropriate approaches also exist (are being taken) to tackle the situation.

One major (factor) behind this unacceptable behavior is lack of communication with their parents. Their families spend most of the time doing other unnecessary activities, which in result tend them (makes them tend) to spend time with their friends instead (??? ==> you should make clearer idea here: how spending time with friend can affect children’s behavior at school???). Secondly, schools nowadays are busy giving education only related to their (==>the) course rather than moral values of society and teachers, this trend might affect their mentality  (students psychologically). Finally, many of the schools prefer to give severe punishments to their students for their unpardonable activities (==>behaviors) in schools and incomplete homework.

Turning to its solutions, the situation can be dealt from different angles. Firstly, their parents should spend their precious time with their children not only this but, (to ) guide and teach them various things to deal with their teachers in schools and maintain schools’ decorum, because they (==>parents) are very first teachers of their own children. Secondly, institutes (==> primary schools/ kindergarten) must deliver lectures about the ethics, because study shows that “what they seek in between one to three years of age will remain in their minds for life time”. Finally, instead of treating them as sinners by giving physical punishments to their young pupils, school management (board) should deal (==>treat them) in a right manner and teach them with their core of hearts.

In conclusion, students’ rough behavior does really exist because of few mistakes of their parents and the teachers, but can be solved with valuable contributions of (==>cooperation between)  their families and teachers too.

T.R: 6.5

  • address all parts of the task quite good
  • some supported ideas are not clear or relevant enough

C.C: 7.0

  • logically arrange ideas

L.R: 6.0

  • wider range of vocabulary should be used
  • using “they/them/their” too many times makes your answer confusing

G.A: 6.5

  • good use of grammar

Overall: 6.5

More practice can make your paragraph better!

Kindly evaluate my essay , give me bandscore for each of the four marking criterias and tips about how can i improve them… thanku in advance
Rate this post

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