I wrote this essay by following your suggestions. Could you please check? Thank you.

QuestionsCategory: DicussionI wrote this essay by following your suggestions. Could you please check? Thank you.
ieltstaker asked 3 months ago

Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taugh to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults.

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
 
 Among parents and as well as school managements this discussion has been conducting for years whether or not competition or co-operation is the most lucrative way to grow children. İn my opinion, both sides have their own advantages and disadvantages.
 
 Competitions are the most common way in the world to measure abilities or to pin down the most gifted person among studies or professions. Being emboldened to compete, firstly, could create an ambitious atmosphere among pupils which foster them to focus on their aims and they thus could be a person in the future who can be readily motivated on reaching his targets which makes the situation easier for them. On the other hand, orientating students to compete could exacerbate the relations between their peers who can make them an aggressive individual in the future. For example, a competition which entails losers who feel desperate while the winner feel more self-confidence, could hinder the students to focus on their courses.  Furthermore, encouraging students for competitions, I believe, could create an individual who is selfish and who always desires to win, which can cause these individuals to be surrounded by stress and in case of failure could even make them depressed.
 
 On the one hand, co-operating could merge whole students to work on the same way and pupils therefore could learn as well as improve their abilities equally which teachs them the sense of sharing. İn addition to that, co-operating could strengthen the realtionships between students which would positively reflect to their lessons and could make them gain some permanent friendships as well. Moreover, the most significant benefit of co-operating, I believe is that, it could help the students who are marginalized by intensive and difficult subjects of lessons to effectively follow the courses. Shortly, co-operating would teach what a friendship is and what the sense of sharing is etc.
 
İn conclusion, as a student I would recommend to parents and also school management to prefer co-operating rather than pulling them into a competition because I believe that it is the best way to bring up healtier adults.

I wrote this essay by following your suggestions. Could you please check? Thank you.
5 (100%) 1 vote

1 Answers
Rachel answered 3 months ago

 Among parents and as well as school managements this discussion has been conducting for years whether or not competition or co-operation is the most lucrative way to grow children. In my opinion, both sides have their own advantages and disadvantages.
 
 Competitions are the most common way in the world to measure abilities or to pin down the most gifted person among studies or professions. Being emboldened to compete, firstly, could create an ambitious atmosphere among pupils which foster them to focus on their aims and they thus could be a person in the future who can be readily motivated on reaching his targets which makes the situation easier for them. On the other hand, orientating students to compete could exacerbate the relations between their peers who can make them an aggressive individual in the future. For example, a competition which entails losers who feel desperate while the winner feel more self-confidence, could hinder the students to focus on their courses. Furthermore, encouraging students for competitions, I believe, could create an individual who is selfish and who always desires to win, which can cause these individuals to be surrounded by stress and in case of failure could even make them depressed.
 
 On the one hand, co-operating could merge whole students to work on the same way and pupils therefore could learn as well as improve their abilities equally which teachs them the sense of sharing. In addition to that, co-operating could strengthen the realtionships between students which would positively reflect to their lessons and could make them gain some permanent friendships as well. Moreover, the most significant benefit of co-operating, I believe is that, it could help the students who are marginalized by intensive and difficult subjects of lessons to effectively follow the courses. Shortly, co-operating would teach what a friendship is and what the sense of sharing is etc.
 
In conclusion, as a student I would recommend to parents and also school management to prefer co-operating rather than pulling them into a competition because I believe that it is the best way to bring up healtier adults.
Task achievement – 6.5

  • present a throughout position
  • address all part of the task. However, the second part (co-operating) is not sufficient developed, as your introduction claimed that ‘both sides have their advantages and disadvantages’)

Coherence and Cohesion – 6.5

  • There’s clear progression throughout the respond. logically organize ideas
  • use a range of cohesive devices but some may be overused

Lexical resource – 6.5

  • use an adequate range of vocabulary
  • produce occasional errors in spelling

Grammatical range and accuracy – 6.5

  • use a variety of complex sentences
  • make some errors in punctuation

Overall – 6.5
 
 

I wrote this essay by following your suggestions. Could you please check? Thank you.
5 (100%) 1 vote