I would be really appreciated if you check my essay

QuestionsCategory: Problem-SolutionI would be really appreciated if you check my essay
haya asked 2 months ago

In many cities the population is increasing. Some say that the urbanization process denies us knowing our neighbours, and this causes a loss of community sense. What is the main problem with this? What measures can be taken to overcome it?
Many urban areas have rising population statistics. Some people argue that urbanization deprives them of communicating with people in their neighborhoods, leading to insufficient sense of community. In this essay, I will suggest that the main problem associated with this phenomenon is lack of patriotism and the solution is shortening the working hours of employees, and building more recreational facilities.
The most significant problem that related to losing of sense of community is isolation and being unpatriotic. Citizens tend to neglect communicating with other people or forming relationships with them because they are laden with heavy works and enormous responsibilities such as education, health, housing and transport. As a result, many individuals will be isolated, selfish, and alienated. For example, employees working for long hours to adapt with high standards of living in a society. Therefore, they consider establishing relationships with others as a time-consuming habit. They instead focus on accommodating their basic requirements and overlook their commitments toward their country such as voluntary activities and community services, or participating in national celebrations.
To solve this issue, governments should cut down the number of working hours in all sectors of country. It would be a viable solution, if the governments introduce a law to regulate the office hours in both public and private sectors. Thus, employees will have opportunities to exploit their leisure time in social and recreational demands. For example, employees will have a chance to spend more time with their acquaintances, relatives and family members at recreational facilities rather than their colleagues at workplace. As a consequence, they will be able to socialize and have greater sense of belonging to a society. Secondly, building more parks, social gathering places, community centres and children’s playground in the community could be a good measure to let people socialize and know each other. This is also helpful for meeting friends, bonding with family and neighbours. Thus, people living in the community would develop a sense of friendship.
By way of conclusion, people become more and more materialistic and unpatriotic because of their will to acclimatize to urbanization’s effects on a society. The most practical resolution is for government to take the responsibility and modify the lifestyle of citizens in order to have sufficient time to be sociable and devoted to their nation.
 
 

I would be really appreciated if you check my essay
5 (100%) 2 votes

1 Answers
Thuy Dung Pham answered 1 month ago

Many urban areas have rising population statistics. Some people argue that urbanization deprives them of communicating with people in their neighborhoods, leading to insufficient sense of community. In this essay, I will suggest that the main problem associated with this phenomenon is lack of patriotism and the solution is shortening the working hours of employees, and building more recreational facilities.
The most significant problem that related to losing of sense of community is isolation and being unpatriotic. Citizens tend to neglect communicating with other people or forming relationships with them because they are laden with heavy works and enormous responsibilities such as education, health, housing and transport. As a result, many individuals will be isolated, selfish, and alienated. For example, employees working for long hours to adapt with high standards of living in a society. Therefore, they consider establishing relationships with others as a time-consuming habit. They instead focus on accommodating their basic requirements and overlook their commitments toward their country such as voluntary activities and community services, or participating in national celebrations.
To solve this issue, governments should cut down the number of working hours in all sectors of country. It would be a viable solution, if the governments introduce a law to regulate the office hours in both public and private sectors. Thus, employees will have opportunities to exploit their leisure time in social and recreational demands. For example, employees will have a chance to spend more time with their acquaintances, relatives and family members at recreational facilities rather than their colleagues at workplace. As a consequence, they will be able to socialize and have greater sense of belonging to a society. Secondly, building more parks, social gathering places, community centres and children’s playground in the community could be a good measure to let people socialize and know each other. This is also helpful for meeting friends, bonding with family and neighbours. Thus, people living in the community would develop a sense of friendship.
By way of conclusion, people become more and more materialistic and unpatriotic because of their will to acclimatize to urbanization’s effects on a society. The most practical resolution is for government to take the responsibility and modify the lifestyle of citizens in order to have sufficient time to be sociable and devoted to their nation.
Feedback
Task achievement: 6.0 (presents some main ideas but the development is not always clear and not sufficiently developed)
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5 (arranges information and ideas coherently and there is a clear overall progression but not always logically)
Lexical Resource: 5.5 (uses an adequate range of vocabulary for the task but you need to be careful in word choice, which means when you use a less common word, it is necessary to check their meaning and usage clearly)
Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5.5 (uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, makes some minor errors in grammar)
Overall: 5.5 (You have very good ideas but you need to arrange your ideas more logically. This essay is a bit long. It’s better to write more precise and concise. Other than that, please try to write in third person as you are writing an academic essay)

I would be really appreciated if you check my essay
5 (100%) 2 votes