I would be happy if you guys check and assess my essay. task 2 :)

QuestionsCategory: OpinionI would be happy if you guys check and assess my essay. task 2 :)
eminyusuf asked 4 years ago

Q: Successful sports professionals can earn a great deal more money than people in other important professions. Some people think this is fully justified while others think it is unfair.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
 
Answer:
     In recent years, many people enjoy wathcing sports. So that sports professionals become important and famous day by day and they can earn more money than other successful professions. Some people think this situation is right, but some people think this is unjustified.
      To begin with some people think sport elites must earn more money than other area’s elites.Because firstly sport members have to use many effort in match or play time. For example, one person who professional in play a football should use more effort than computer professional. Other reason is people like and respect sport elites. Moreover they imitate sport professionals. For instance, many children want to do sport because of them. Last reason is that sport elites have real talent and their numbers are very few. So that they can earn a lot of money.
      On the other hand some people think other important professions must earn same money with sport professionals. Because other aera’s elites can save life or they can invent new technology such as motor for going Mars or telephone. other professions make easy life for people. Moreover they can make greatful arts for rising cultural levels in the world. For example they can make music or painting. In conclusion other important professions change people lives from darkness to lightness.
      To sum up, I think sports stars don’t earn more money than other important professions.Because when other elites effect to people’ whole lifes, sport professionals only can fun or exciting.

eminyusuf replied 4 years ago

please check it 🙁

1 Answers
Rachel Evans answered 4 years ago

     In recent years, many people enjoy wathcing sports. So that sports professionals become important and famous day by day and they can earn more money than other successful professions. Some people think this situation is right, but some people think this is unjustified.
      To begin with some people think sport elites must earn more money than other area’s elites. Because firstly sport members have to use many effort in match or play time. For example, one person who professional in play a football should use more effort than computer professional. Other reason is people like and respect sport elites. Moreover they imitate sport professionals. For instance, many children want to do sport because of them. Last reason is that sport elites have real talent and their numbers are very few. So that they can earn a lot of money.
      On the other hand some people think other important professions must earn same money with sport professionals. Because other aera’s elites can save life or they can invent new technology such as motor for going Mars or telephone. Other professions make easy life for people. Moreover they can make greatful arts for rising cultural levels in the world. For example they can make music or painting. In conclusion other important professions change people lives from darkness to lightness.
      To sum up, I think sports stars don’t earn more money than other important professions. Because when other elites effect to people’ whole lifes, sport professionals only can fun or exciting.
(248 – a little bit short)
Overall – 5.0
Task achievement – 5.5

  • address all part of the task
  • the response is inadequately developed

Coherence and Cohesion – 5.0

  • present information with some organization
  • may be repetitive and hard to understand

Lexical resource – 5.0

  • use limited range of vocabulary

Grammatical range and accuracy – 5.5

  • use only limited range of structures
  • make some grammatical errors that may cause difficulties for the reader.

eminyusuf replied 4 years ago

please check it 🙁

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