I have ielts exam in a week. Please help me.

QuestionsI have ielts exam in a week. Please help me.
manuela fogli asked 4 years ago

Because o f the busy pace o f modern life, many children spend most o f their time
indoors and have little exposure to the natural world.
 How important is it for children to learn to understand and appreciate nature?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge
or experience.
 
 Rudimental people, apart from using caves as a shelter, have utterly spent their time by getting involved by the nature. İt, no doubt, has taught them to be more strict and how nature must be perceived and as a result, how to fight to survive. Even though a big majority of people think that modern communities could not manage to inherit these habits from their first ancestors, in actual fact they were given these traits in their modern form and definition. Nowadays even these modern features are not fulfilled, children are forced to stay at home during the whole day as they do not have any caregiver and as outside is thought to be dangerous.
 
 First of all, being stuck at home, not having any conversation with anybody during the whole day, I think, can cause some mental disorders and concealing the body from sunlight and other natural processes empirically has some really harmful effects on children as well. İn addition to this, as a consequent of being brought up indoor probably make the individual a introvent person which may hinders him in the future to build a healty life or may completely prevent. Furthermore, being got used to be alone all the time, would enable the individual have faulty relationships in bilateral relation, such as in maintaining the relation with his wife or adapting to a new job.
 
 Not to give rise to such situations, I would recommend families to be more careful not to completely destory but at least to mitigate their loneliness, because according to a study, in order to have happiness and a vigorous intelligence, the individual must be a social person and must have relationships from all walks of life as it is believed that being a social person helps to overcome problems and to be more understanding.
 As for the nature itself, being interlaced by nature could provide some tremendous benefits. From a point of philosophical view, to examplify, having a picnic in a forest as children or tenting in wild nature with their families could teach them how human being is lucky as he has a brain to understand the complexity of world and to use this marvellous system to protect himself as well as to improve the world that he lives. Morever, it would help to develop emphaty between himself and animals in order to pin down his precious possessions.
 
To sum up, being involved by the nature and to feel it, is vitally important as I underscored above. İf we want to have healtier generations, in any case we have to provide to our children a life that they can adapt to nature.

1 Answers
Thuy Dung Pham answered 4 years ago

Rudimental people, apart from using caves as a shelter shelters, have utterly spent their time by getting involved by the in nature. İt, no doubt, has taught them to be more strict and how nature must be perceived and. As a result, they learnt how to fight to survive  (Run-on sentence). Even though a big majority of people think that modern communities could not manage to inherit these habits from their first ancestors, in actual fact, (comma) they were given these traits in their modern form and definition. Nowadays even these modern features are not fulfilled, children are forced to stay at home during the whole a whole day as they do not have any caregiver (? – vocabulary) and as outside is thought to be dangerous. (Irrelevant starting point => you should discuss straightforward to the main point)
 
 First of all, being stuck at home, not having any conversation with anybody during the whole day, I think, can cause some mental disorders and concealing the body from sunlight and. Moreover, other natural processes empirically has have some really harmful effects on children as well. İn addition to this, as a consequent of being brought up indoor probably make causes the an individual to be a an introvent-> introvert person which may hinders might hinder him in the future to build a healty life or may completely prevent him/her from building a healthy life. Furthermore, being got used to be alone all the time, (it doesn’t need a comma here) would enable the individual to have faulty relationships in bilateral relation  relations, such as in maintaining the relation with his wife or adapting to a new job.
 
 Not to give rise to such situations, I would recommend families to be more careful not to completely destory (?) but at least to mitigate their loneliness, because. According to a study, in order to have happiness and a vigorous intelligence, the individual must be a social person and must have relationships from all walks of life as it is believed that being a social person. It helps them to overcome problems and to be more understanding. (Run-on sentence)
 As for the nature itself, being interlaced by nature could provide some tremendous benefits. From a point of philosophical view, to examplify, having a picnic in a forest as children or tenting in wild nature with their families could teach them how human being is lucky as he (them – he ?) has a brain to understand the complexity of world and to use this marvellous system to protect himself as well as to improve the world that he lives (Unclear idea, run-on sentence). Morever, it would help to develop emphaty (?) between himself and animals in order to pin down his precious possessions. (Unclear idea and who is “he”? – You should write in general, not specify anyone)
 
To sum up, being involved by the nature and to feel it, (it doesn’t need a comma here) is vitally important as I underscored above. İf we want to have healtier healthier generations, in any case we have to provide to our children a life that they can adapt to nature.
(442 words)
Feedback
Task achievement: 5.5 (presents some main ideas but the development is not always clear and not sufficiently developed)
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0 (presents information with some organization but there may be a lack of overall progression)
Lexical Resource: 6.0 (attempts to use less common vocabulary, makes some errors in spelling and inaccuracy)
Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5.0 (uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, makes some minor errors in grammar)
Overall: 5.5 (This essay is too long. It should be around 250 words. Moreover, try not be personal by using “I” in essay. It makes your essay informal, which is not recommended in IELTS writing test. To avoid it, passive sentences could be used. Making complex sentences is good but try not to write too long sentences or combine many ideas in one sentence. Instead, you should divide your sentences into different ideas and link them together by linking words.)

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