I have an IELTS exam soon. I would appreciate if someone could edit my essay. Thank you.

QuestionsI have an IELTS exam soon. I would appreciate if someone could edit my essay. Thank you.
Tina asked 4 years ago

Nowadays the differences between countries are becoming less evident because we see the same TV shows, advertisements, fashion and follow the same brands. To what extend the advantages of this trend outweigh disadvantage?

As countries become more open minded, globalisation is seen as a widespread phenomenon nowadays. People can access to TV programs from different countries; an increasing number of individuals start to learn the same language, and it is common to observe different backgrounds wearing the same styles of clothes. This trend may bring several benefits to society even though globalisation may exert an adverse impact on its country.

Due to the globalisation, current people have more chances to receive more information and learn other cultures although they may fail to travel to other nations. Students can study English and understand American culture by watching American dramas or movies, and they don’t have to move to America, which requires them a large sum of money living there for instance. Thus, globalisation makes it convenient for people to acquire more relevant information and comprehend other culture.

Moreover, fewer diversities among countries provide platforms for different corporations to collaborate thereby accelerating the development of an economy. For example, when new products from SK-2 are going to present to Chinese customer, Chinese celebrities can endorse their products, and by doing this, sales of their products are more likely to be improved in Chinese markets. Hence, the SK-2 company generates more profits, and this Chinese celebrity enhances her reputation because of advertisements disseminating through different medias. That is to say, since more audience turns to view the same TV channels or publications, this enables more businesses to cooperate and stimulates economic growth.

On the other hand, globalisation may pose a threat to national identities. With the increasing number of viewers watching the TV shows, a larger proportion of people may become unfamiliar with their culture and history over time. As a result, their unique culture, a representation of themselves, may be gradually eliminated. Therefore, assimilation such as appreciating the same TV channels and following the same trends leads to barriers to the preservation of national identity.

To sum up, globalisation has many advantages including more knowledge about other culture and development of the economy. Nevertheless, people need to take the responsibilities of strengthening their culture as well.

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1 Answers
Thuy Dung Pham answered 4 years ago

As countries are becoming more open-minded, globalisation is seen as a widespread phenomenon nowadays. People can access to TV programs from different countries; an increasing number of individuals start to learn the same language, and it is common to observe different backgrounds wearing the same styles of clothes. This trend may bring several benefits to society even though globalisation may exert an adverse impact on its some certain country.
Due to the globalisation, current people have more chances to receive more information and learn about other cultures although they may fail to travel to other nations. Students can study English and understand American culture by watching American dramas or movies, and yet they don’t do not (never use short form in academic writing!!!) have to move to America, which requires save them a large sum of money living-> living cost for instance (this “which” explanation should support for the benefits of NOT moving to America) Thus, globalisation makes it convenient for people to acquire more relevant information and comprehend other culture.
Moreover, fewer diversities among countries provide platforms for different corporations to collaborate thereby accelerating the development of an economy. For example, when new products from SK-2 are going to present to Chinese customer, Chinese celebrities can endorse their products, and by doing this, sales of their products are more likely to be improved in Chinese markets. Hence, the SK-2 company generates more profits, and this Chinese celebrity enhances her reputation because of advertisements disseminating through different medias. That is to say, since more audience turns to view the same TV channels or publications, this enables more businesses to cooperate and stimulates economic growth.
On the other hand, globalisation may pose a threat to national identities. With the increasing number of viewers watching the TV shows, a larger proportion of people may become unfamiliar with their culture and history over time. As a result, their unique culture, a representation of themselves, may be gradually eliminated. Therefore, assimilation such as appreciating the same TV channels and following the same trends leads to barriers to the preservation of national identity.
To sum up, globalisation has many advantages including more knowledge about other culture and development of the economy. Nevertheless, people need to take the responsibilities of strengthening their culture as well.
Feedback
Task achievement: 6.5 (very clear ideas, strong and supportive evidence, however it is TOO LONG!!!)
Coherence and cohesion: 7.5 (good organization, good flow)
Lexical resources: 8.0 (advanced vocabs, fluent use of wide range of vocabs, no mis-spelling mistakes)
Grammar Range and Accuracy: 8.0 (fluent and flexible use of sentence structures and grammar points, not grammar mistakes)
Overall: 7.5 (be careful with time frame!!! This is too long for a 20-minute essay, unless you have such wide knowledge for the topic like this one. Excellent use of grammar and vocabs)

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