I have an exam this saturday, please help me.

QuestionsCategory: OpinionI have an exam this saturday, please help me.
helpplease asked 6 months ago

The amount of time spend on sport and exercise should be increased in schools in order to tackle the problem of overweight children?
Do you think this the best way to deal with the problem?
What other solutions can you suggest?
Being overweight is one of the most challenging concerns of our era, which orients people to look for some solutions. Accordingly, some people suggest that authorities should intensify exercise lessons in schools in order to face with the problem. To a certain extent, I agree that it is one of the best methods to minimize the number of overweight children, however, I do believe that there are many measures that could be taken for this.
 
Children spend the majority of their time in schools and sometimes, they follow their courses for hours without moving, which triggers being overweight. Additionaly, as the curriculums do not entail sufficent exercise programmes, it also contributes to this situation. For these reasons, increasing exercise lessons in the schools would be one of the best way to retard the effect of their stagnancy. İn addition to that, a variety of measures could also be taken. For example, new health-related lessons could be added to the curriculums that can effectively inform and encourage children about how to live healthier. Therefore, their determination on being fed would be embodied by these lessons, which I believe, would turn these lessons to a permanent habit in their future life.
 
 Furthermore, some external temptations could be prohibited. İt is known that highly harmful fastfoods are sold in the canteen of the schools, which are quite attractive for the children. Authorities therefore could introduce a ban regarding to the fastfood sales in the schools, in order to impede the growing number of overweight children or at least to mitigate it. Morever, I believe, to have an effective result, parents could be more strict. For example, they could eat more vegetables in their lunch or dinner to embolden their children to adapt a healthier way of eating. İt would be more effective than others, as family culture is gradually converted to a constant life style in the future.
 
İn conclusion, I believe that increasing exercise lessons in schools is one of the most effective way to prevent being overweight, having said that, new health lessons and mentioned measures that both authorities and parents could take, would also be effective as well.

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1 Answers
Thuy Dung Pham answered 5 months ago

The amount of time spent on sport and exercise should be increased in schools in order to tackle the problem of overweight children?
Do you think this the best way to deal with the problem?
What other solutions can you suggest?
Being overweight-> Obedity is one of the most challenging concerns of our era-> the past few years, which orients people to look for some solutions. Accordingly, some people suggest that authorities should intensify exercise lessons physical education in at schools in order to face with/deal with the problem. To a certain extent, I agree that it is one of the best methods to minimize the number of overweight children, however, I do believe that there are many (non-academic) a number of measures factors that could should be taken for this into consideration. (should not use “I” in academic writing!!!)

Children spend the majority of their time in schools and sometimes, they follow their courses for hours without moving (not appropriate! Need to be more academic!!!-> in certain circumstances, classes which last hours take away the students’ free time to do other physical activities) which triggers being overweight. Additionaly, as the curriculums do not entail insufficent exercise programmes, it also contributes to this situation. For these reasons, increasing/ providing more exercise lessons in the schools (unnecessarily repeated) would be one of the best way to retard the effect of their stagnancy. İn addition to that, a variety of measures (wrong use!!!) solutions could also be taken into action. For example, new health-related lessons about healthy lifestyle could be added to the curriculums that can inorder to effectively inform and encourage children about how to live healthier (wrong structure! “Inform” goes with “about Sth” and “encourage” goes with “to do Sth”). Therefore, their determination on being fed (wrong use!!!) would be embodied by these lessons, which I believe, would turn these lessons to a permanent habit in their future life (weak conclusion)
 
 Furthermore, some external temptations could be prohibited. İt is known that highly harmful-> unhealthy fastfoods are sold in the canteen of the schools, which are quite attractive for the children. Authorities therefore could introduce a ban regarding to the fastfood sales in the schools, in order to impede the growing number of overweight children or at least to mitigate it. Morever, I believe, to have obtain/achieve a effective positive result, parents could be more strict. For example, they could eat more vegetables in their lunch or dinner to embolden their children to adapt a healthier way of eating (spoken language-> develop a healthier eating habit. The idea is quite confusing, why not change to “parents encourage their children to eat more vegetables by educating them on the health benefits that vegetables provide”) İt would be more effective than others, as family culture is gradually converted to a constant lifestyle in the future.
 
İn conclusion, I believe that increasing exercise lessons in schools is one of the most effective way to prevent being overweight, having said that, new health lessons and mentioned measures that both authorities and parents could take, would also be effective as well.
Feedback
Task achievement: 6.0 (address quite much of the task, some ideas are poorly expressed, evidence is included but not well developed)
Cohesion and coherence: 6.0 (in each paragraph, lack of logic between causes and effects, in explaining and giving examples)
Lexical resource: 5.0 (spoken language, “translation” language, some sentences are very confusing, some words are unnecessarily to be so advanced)
Grammar Range and Accuracy: 5.0 (complex sentence structures are not natural)
Overall: 5.5 (weak writing style)

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