I have an exam on this Thursday 16th February, would appreciate if you can assess my essay.

QuestionsCategory: Writing Task 2I have an exam on this Thursday 16th February, would appreciate if you can assess my essay.
Osama Salama asked 3 years ago

Task 2: Some people think it is more important for government to spend public money on promoting healthy lifestyle in order to prevent illness than to spend it on the treatment of people who are already ill. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
 
It is obvious that a number of citizens argue that it is crucial for the government to invest in encouraging healthy life style to decrease the chance of getting sick rather than spending the resources on existing ill people’s treatment. I support this direction fully and I will walk you through my reasons.
 
I had read a quote before stating “don’t give me a fish but teach me how to catch one “, and this is exactly what we should do to our community members. Our government should show them how to adopt a new approach to enhance their life quality. For example, if they ate healthier food and did daily excercises, they would be more fit with less risk of getting cardiovascular diseases or diabetes. Also illustrating to them the calamitous consequences of unhealthy lifestyle will be beneficial.
 
Investing in promoting healthier lifestyle will significantly decrease the number people getting chronic diseases which will have a positive impact on our labour market productivity. Furthermore, the economy will enhance marvelously due to employees working with their full power as they are fit and in shape.
 
It is also the case that if the number of chronic patients dropped, it would certainly remove the heavy financial burden off the government shoulders. Wasting money and resources on treatments, which is a controversial issue, is going to shrink massively.
 
To put it in a nutshell, I pen down saying that, it is vitally necessary for our official representative and the government to promote a new healthy lifestyle to our society members and encourage them to change their dietary habits and exercises to a better alternatives.

1 Answers
Rachel Evans answered 3 years ago

It is obvious that a number of citizens argue that it is crucial for the government to invest in encouraging healthy life style to decrease the chance of getting sick rather than spending the resources on existing ill people’s treatment. I support this direction fully and I will walk you through my reasons.

I had read a quote before stating “don’t give me a fish but teach me how to catch one”, (Should  avoid personal pronoun and contraction as well as quote citation) and this is exactly what we should do to our community members. Our government should show them how to adopt a new approach to enhance their life quality. For example, if they ate healthier food and did daily excercises exercises, they would be more fit with less risk of getting cardiovascular diseases or diabetes. Also, illustrating to them the calamitous consequences of unhealthy lifestyle will be beneficial.

Investing in promoting healthier lifestyle will significantly decrease the number people getting chronic diseases which will have a positive impact on our labour market productivity. Furthermore, the economy will enhance marvelously due to employees working with their full power as they are fit and in shape.

It is also the case that if the number of chronic patients dropped, it would certainly remove the heavy financial burden off the government shoulders. Wasting money and resources on treatments, which is a controversial issue, is going to shrink massively.

To put it in a nutshell, I pen down saying that, it is vitally necessary for our official representative and the government to promote a new healthy lifestyle to our society members and encourage them to change their dietary habits and exercises to a better alternatives.
TA – 8.0
CC – 7.5
LR – 7.5
GRA – 7.0
Overall 7.5

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