I have an exam next week. Could you please check?

QuestionsI have an exam next week. Could you please check?
manuela fogli asked 4 years ago

Because o f the busy pace o f modern life, many children spend most o f their time
indoors and have little exposure to the natural world.
 How important is it for children to learn to understand and appreciate nature?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge
or experience.
 
 Rudimental people, apart from using caves as a shelter, have utterly spent their time by getting involved by the nature. İt, no doubt, has taught them to be more strict and how nature must be perceived and as a result, how to fight to survive. Even though a big majority of people think that modern communities could not manage to inherit these habits from their first ancestors, in actual fact they were given these traits in their modern form and definition. Nowadays even these modern features are not fulfilled, children are forced to stay at home during the whole day as they do not have any caregiver and as outside is thought to be dangerous.

 
 First of all, being stuck at home, not having any conversation with anybody during the whole day, I think, can cause some mental disorders and concealing the body from sunlight and other natural processes empirically has some really harmful effects on children as well. İn addition to this, as a consequent of being brought up indoor probably make the individual a introvent person which may hinders him in the future to build a healty life or may completely prevent. Furthermore, being got used to be alone all the time, would enable the individual have faulty relationships in bilateral relation, such as in maintaining the relation with his wife or adapting to a new job.
 

 Not to give rise to such situations, I would recommend families to be more careful not to completely destory but at least to mitigate their loneliness, because according to a study, in order to have happiness and a vigorous intelligence, the individual must be a social person and must have relationships from all walks of life as it is believed that being a social person helps to overcome problems and to be more understanding.
 As for the nature itself, being interlaced by nature could provide some tremendous benefits. From a point of philosophical view, to examplify, having a picnic in a forest as children or tenting in wild nature with their families could teach them how human being is lucky as he has a brain to understand the complexity of world and to use this marvellous system to protect himself as well as to improve the world that he lives. Morever, it would help to develop emphaty between himself and animals in order to pin down his precious possessions.
 

To sum up, being involved by the nature and to feel it, is vitally important as I underscored above. İf we want to have healtier generations, in any case we have to provide to our children a life that they can adapt to nature.

1 Answers
Thuy Dung Pham answered 4 years ago

Rudimental people, apart from using caves as a shelter, have utterly spent their time by on getting involved by in the nature. İt, no doubt, which has taught them on to be more strict and how nature must be perceived and as a result, how to fight to survive. Even though a big (non-academic) majority of people think that modern communities could not manage to inherit these habits from their first ancestors, in actual fact they were given these traits in their modern form and definition. Nowadays, even these modern features are not fulfilled. Children are forced to stay at home during the whole day as they do not have any caregiver and as the outside world is thought to be dangerous.(introduction is too long and not straightforward!!!)
 
[First of all, being stuck at home, not having any conversation with anybody during the whole day, I think, can cause some mental disorders and concealing the body from sunlight and other natural processes empirically has some really harmful effects on children as well. İn addition to this, as a consequent of being brought up indoor probably make the individual a introvent person which may hinders him in the future to build a healty life or may completely prevent. Furthermore, being got used to be alone all the time, would enable the individual have faulty relationships in bilateral relation, such as in maintaining the relation with his wife or adapting to a new job.
 
 Not to give rise to such situations, I would recommend families to be more careful not to completely destory but at least to mitigate their loneliness, because according to a study, in order to have happiness and a vigorous intelligence, the individual must be a social person and must have relationships from all walks of life as it is believed that being a social person helps to overcome problems and to be more understanding.]
These two paragraphs seem off-topic!!! It feels like you’re discussing about drawbacks of an anti-social life, not an anti-nature life!!!)


As for the nature itself, being interlaced by nature could provide some tremendous benefits. From a point of philosophical view, to examplify (?!) for example, having a picnic in a forest as children?! or going camping in wild nature with their families could teach children how human being is lucky as he has a brain to understand the complexity of world and to use this marvellous system to protect himself as well as to improve the world that he lives (I don’t think a child could understand !!! Why not just learn about wildlife in order to feel the need of protecting the environment???) Moreover, it would help to develop empathy between himself and animals in order to pin down his precious possessions.
 
To sum up, being involved by the nature and to feel it, is vitally important as I underscored above. İf we want to have healthier generations, in any case we have to provide to our children a life that they can adapt to nature.
Feedback
Task achievement: 4.5 (wrong direction, should discuss about 1/ the essence of nature even in modern life and 2/ nature discovery is one of the interesting outdoor activity that not only get children to get outdoor but also interactively educate them on environment protection)
Coherence and cohesion: 5.0 (inadequate coherence, mis-leading organization)
Lexical resource: 5.5 (vocabs are good but not appropriately used, spelling mistakes)
Grammar Range and Accuracy: 5.0 (complex but not accurate sentence structures)
Overall: 5.0 (off-topic)

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