I have an exam next week, could you please check my answer to this question from IELTS Writing Task 2?

QuestionsCategory: Writing Task 2I have an exam next week, could you please check my answer to this question from IELTS Writing Task 2?
ehteshamhaider_ asked 2 years ago

Question:
If you could change one important thing about your hometown, what would you change?

Use reasons and specific examples to support your answer.
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
Answer:
My hometown is the place that I grew up in, hence I believe that I have had a first-hand experience of its lifestyle and culture. Although it is a pleasant village in Noakhali, Bangladesh, as I matured, I have witnessed various incidents which changed my perception of the village profoundly.
Over the years, I have witnessed how my hometown can be seen metaphorically as an untapped oil-field. Several cases such as an undeveloped education system, stigma’s surrounding women working and being independent, children being forced to work and even improper relations between many families give rise to a situation where the village is more divided as opposed to being united.
It is my firm belief, that changing the level of education attainable in my village would drastically challenge these issues. Improving the standard of education would not only consist of education for children, but education and training facilities for people of all ages.
To begin with, improved methods of learning such as “e-learning” via digital boards, interactive classroom education and even dedicated reading or writing periods for children would greatly enhance their skills during their crucial development phases. Not only will they become more competitive, but also have essential skills which prospective employers search for in employees, thus improving a child’s future potential.
Secondly, education for women, be they unmarried or married, would serve to boost the village’s potential through the introduction of more dedicated workers. Families where both parents work, will be able to avail a higher standard of facilities, both for themselves and for their children, hence increasing the quality of life attainable by these people in the village. For example, women can be given vocational training or general education which can give them an edge in the job market, hence giving them independence from old-generation stigma’s surrounding working women.
Lastly, vocational training or improved education for men would mean that the existing male workforce would essentially become more skillful in their tasks. Not only will this increase their work performance or productivity, but also serve to increase their career prospects, which has the potential to increase the quality of life, both for them and their families.
In conclusion, it is my opinion that an improvement in the availability and the standard of education can have massive benefits for my hometown, since not only will this improve the existing workforce, but as employers begin to notice its untapped potential, more jobs can be created and improved facilities will become available, hence leading my hometown towards a flourished state.
(422 words)

I have an exam next week, could you please check my answer to this question from IELTS Writing Task 2?
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