I have an exam in next month, could you give some comments on my task 2 essay?

QuestionsCategory: OpinionI have an exam in next month, could you give some comments on my task 2 essay?
zmwang asked 11 months ago

Topic:
Some people believe that unpaid community service should be a compulsory part of high school programmes (for example working for a charity, improving the neighborhood or teaching sports to younger children).

To what extent do you agree or disagree?

My essay:

It is believed by some people that free community service, which includes working in a charity group or teaching youth sports, should be a mandatory part of secondary school courses. Although I agree with that these community activities are good for their personalities, it should not be a forced course among these students.

Serving their community helps them develop some social skills. When working in their communities, the students need to communicate with others, which can help them realize how to work in a group and how to collaborate with others. When facing some conflicts, they can learn how to persuade other people without hurting their feelings or in what extent they can compromise.

Furthermore, community service can also help them develop a strong sense of responsibility of the society. During their service time, they have a closer look on the people who maintain their community and a closer look on their responsibility. For instance, a student who work in a charity group will realize what this organization’s purpose is, what kind of people they tend to help and most importantly why these rich people are voluntary to donate money to help them. All of these questions can help him know what the role of a single person is to the whole society.

However, I disagree with the mandate of this extra-curriculum course. Even though the service does good to the students, the decision of whether to attend this activity should be made by the students their own. People cannot force others to do the things they do not want, only if their behavior is punished by laws. Except for the service, they can attend some after-school clubs which are of their interest or do sports with friends after school. They are also good activities besides the community service.

In conclusion, high school students should be encouraged to anticipate in the unpaid community service, but not be forced to take part in it.

My comment:
There may be some expressions not used by native speakers, please help me point them out. And also there are some repetition of some words, please give me some advice on what other words can be used to replace them. Also if there is some logical problem, thank you for point it out!

I have an exam in next month, could you give some comments on my task 2 essay?
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1 Answers
Thuy Dung Pham answered 10 months ago

It is believed by some people that free community service, which includes working in a charity group or teaching youth sports, should be a mandatory part of secondary school courses. Although I agree with that these community activities are good for their personalities, it should not be a forced course among these students.
Serving their community helps them develop some social skills. When working in their communities, the students need to communicate with others, which can help them realize how to work in a group and how to collaborate with others. When facing some conflicts, they can learn how to persuade other people without hurting their feelings or in what extent they can compromise.
Furthermore, community service can also help them develop a strong sense of responsibility of the society. During their service time, they have a closer look on the people who maintain their community and a closer look on their responsibility. For instance, a student who work in a charity group will realize what this organization’s purpose is, what kind of people they tend to help and most importantly why these rich people are voluntary to donate money to help them. All of these questions can help him know what the role of a single person is to the whole society.
However, I disagree with the mandate of this extra-curriculum course. Even though the service does good to the students, the decision of whether to attend this activity should be made by the students their own themselves. People cannot force others to do the things they do not want, only if their behavior is punished by laws. Except for the service, they can attend some after-school clubs which are of their interest or do sports with friends after school. They are also good activities besides the community service.
In conclusion, high school students should be encouraged to anticipate in the unpaid community service, but not be forced to take part in it.
My comment:
There may be some expressions not used by native speakers, please help me point them out. And also there are some repetition of some words, please give me some advice on what other words can be used to replace them. Also if there is some logical problem, thank you for point it out!
Feedback
Task achievement: 6.0 (presents relevant main ideas but need to develop ideas deeply)
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0 (arranges information and ideas coherently and there is a clear overall progression)
Lexical Resource: 5.5 (uses a limited range of vocabulary, make noticeable errors in spelling and word formation that may cause some difficulty for the reader)
Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6.0 (uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, makes some minor errors in grammar)
Overall: 6.0 (You have good ideas and a clear explanation. In order to answer your comment, I would like to have some suggestions. Hope they are helpful for your writing skills:

  1. The only way to improve your writing is read more academic articles in different topics, try to collect less common vocabulary, and learn how the native speakers give opinions about a situation.
  2. Write as much as you can and use new words collected from your reading. Before using the words, try to look them up in the dictionary and learn how the native speakers use through examples.
  3. Do not use “I” in IELTS academic writing. Instead, you should write in third person.
  4. Do not worry too much. Practice makes perfect.

I have an exam in next month, could you give some comments on my task 2 essay?
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