I have a ielts exam soon, could you please assess my essay?

QuestionsCategory: Advantage/DisadvantageI have a ielts exam soon, could you please assess my essay?
MuratAydin asked 7 months ago

Topic; “Prevention is better than cure.”
Out of a country’s health budget, a large proportion should be diverted from treatment to spending
on health education and preventative measures.

To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement.

Text;

Human being traditionally has the trend of using harmful substances as a way of rifting the stress to have a calmer physiology whilst others are strongly convinced to stay away from harmful nutrition moreover while they wish to see all unhealty nutritions are impeded by compelling by the goverment. This essay intends to range some clear reasons to reach a solution.

First of all, one of the most benefical aspect of the positive part of restricting would be saving money which would contribute to country’s account and which can be used on education, culture and for other benefits for the people of the country. Secondly, in my opinion the strongest outcome of prohibiting and investing money on healt education would probably enable people to live healtier and as a consequent the recovering which could be seen in the next generation, a revived generation which is alien for cigarette, alcohol, etc and what is more is to readily observe the decrease on the death rate. These would be most considerable outcomes of prevention.

On the other hand, I dont think that impeding and forcing people not to use what they would like to is feasible. Because it has been observed that, it the past, the consequences of preventing things could prompt to have some remarkable solutions, such as having a society which is in favour of a restricting culture. Apart from the fact that having a culture like that, depriving people to have enjoyable productions would may aggravate the sitatuation and could create a depressed society.

İn conclusion, I would recommend not to impede but at least to mitigate the harmful things which cause people to have illnesses and by establishing restrictive rules gradually not to attract the hatred of people and I would suggest, of course, to invest money on education that can achieve after restrictings so that we can have a healtier and well-educated population about healt.

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1 Answers
Rachel Evans answered 7 months ago

“Prevention is better than cure.”
Out of a country’s health budget, a large proportion should be diverted from treatment to spending on health education and preventative measures.

To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement.
Human being traditionally has the trend of using harmful substances as a way of rifting the stress to have a calmer physiology whilst others are strongly convinced to stay away from harmful nutrition moreover while they wish to see all unhealthy nutritions are impeded by compelling by the government. (too long, and unclear) This essay intends to range some clear reasons to reach a solution.
First of all, one of the most benefical aspects of the positive part of restricting would be saving money which would contribute to country’s account and which (repetitive) can be used on education, culture and for other benefits for the people of the country. Secondly, in my opinion, the strongest outcome of prohibiting and investing money on health education would probably enable people to live healthier and as a consequent the recovering which could be seen in the next generation, a revived generation which is alien for cigarette, alcohol,. etc and what is more is to readily observe the decrease on the death rate. These would be most considerable outcomes of prevention.
On the other hand, I do not think that impeding and forcing people not to use what they would like to is feasible. Because it has been observed that, it the past, the consequences of preventing things could prompt to have some remarkable solutions, such as having a society which is in favour of a restricting culture. Apart from the fact that having a culture like that, depriving people to have enjoyable productions would may aggravate the sitatuation situation and could create a depressed society.
In conclusion, I would recommend not to impede but at least to mitigate the harmful things which cause people to have illnesses and by establishing restrictive rules gradually not to attract the hatred of people and I would suggest, of course, to invest money on education that can achieve after restrictings so that we can have a healtier and well-educated population about healt.
Task achievement – 4.0

  • respond to the task only in a minimal way
  • express a position but the development is not always clear
  • present some main ideas but it is not well supported, and hard to identify

Coherence and Cohesion – 5.0

  • paragraphing may be inadequate (intro)

Lexical resource – 5.5

  • make some noticeable errors in spelling and word formation
  • attempt to use less common lexical items but with some inaccuracy

Grammatical range and Accuracy – 5.5

  • use mix of simple and complex sentence forms
  • some complex sentences are confusing
  • make some errors in grammar

Overall – 5.0
You should pay attention to spelling and choosing ideas (brainstorming), as well as coherence and cohesion.

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