I am practicing for IELTS and my band now is 5.. Please help me.correct my essay

QuestionsI am practicing for IELTS and my band now is 5.. Please help me.correct my essay
nguyenlykimngan asked 2 years ago

Modern forms of communication such as email and messaging have reduced the amount of time people spend seeing their friends. This has had negative effect on their social lives. 
Nowadays, more and more people spend time on modern forms of communication such as email and messaging. They text their friends most of the time which affects their social lives seriously. I personally think this is absolutely true and discuss how technology has had an effect their lives.
On the one hand, people spend their time chatting with friends but they hardly meet each other. For example, they chat on Facebook, Zalo or social networking sites all the time but when they reduce the amount of time spending with friends or when they meet each other on the street, they just say “Hello” or “How are you?”. It affects their lives because they waste time chatting and their friendship will lose someday if they do not hang out with their friends on a regular basis. Spending time chatting does not help you gain social skills which are very necessary in the future, it just makes time you waste meaningless.
On the other hand, people who know how to use these forms correctly, they do not only benefit from them but also they can hang out with their friends regularly. Although they chat with friends but do not talk too much because they would rather meet their friends so they can stay together and understand each other, their friendship will be never faded. For instance, they just text their friends if necessary but they are really want to meet each other instead of chatting.
In conclusion, I think that people should balance the amount of time they spend on these sites and go out with friends to learn more about their daily lives.

I am practicing for IELTS and my band now is 5.. Please help me.correct my essay
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1 Answers
Thuy Dung Pham answered 2 years ago

Nowadays, more and more people spend time on modern forms of communication such as email and messaging.(please paraphrase, should not copy from the topic). They text their friends most of the time which affects their social lives seriously. I personally think this is absolutely (non academic) true and The following essay aims to discuss about how technology has had an effect (non academic) the influences of techonology on their lives the society and give personal opinions.
On the one hand, people prefer spending their time on chatting with their friends to face-to-face meetup. but (non academic) they hardly(?!)-> rarely meet each other. For example, they chat on Facebook, Zalo or social networking sites all the time (non academic) but when they reduce the amount of time spending with friends (what do you mean? Isn’t this the result from more chatting online?) or when they meet each other on the street, they just say “Hello” or “How are you?” (spoken language!!!). It affects their lives because they waste time chatting and their friendship will lose someday if they do not hang out with their friends on a regular basis. Spending time chatting does not help you gain social skills which are very necessary in the future, it just makes time you waste meaningless. (repeating “waste time”, “waste”, etc.=> change to “time-consuming, then try to flexibly change the words or more complex sentence structures).
On the other hand, for people who know how to use these forms correctly effectively/who could make use if these means of communication, they do not only not only do they benefit from them but also they can hang out with their friends regularly. Although they chat with friends but do not talk too much because they would rather meet their friends so they can stay together and understand each other, their friendship will be never faded. For instance, they just text their friends if necessary but they are really want to meet each other instead of chatting.(the idea of this paragraph is blurr and general, unnecessarily long and confusing sentences, when it’s necessary for chatting and when it’s necessary to meetup? What drawbacks of chatting could be? Misunderstanding? Lack of real emotions? Be more specific in both ideas and evidence!!!)
In conclusion, I think that people should balance the amount of time they spend on these sites and go out with friends to learn more about their daily lives. (weak closing)
Feedback
Task achievement: 3.5 (too simple to be an academic essay, ideas, expressions and evidence are not supportive and confusing)
Coherence and cohesion: 4.0 (no flow, 1 idea is repeated over and over without further development or specificity)
Lexical resources: 4.0 (simple vocabs, lack of synonyms and flexible vocab use)
Grammar Range and Accuracy: 3.5 (lack of flexible use of sentence structures, unnecessarily long sentences but have unclear meaning)
Overall: 4.0 (need further improvement, writing style is not very appropriate for academic writing)

I am practicing for IELTS and my band now is 5.. Please help me.correct my essay
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