Hi, please help me to evaluate my essay, and give me the band score. Thanks in advance :)

QuestionsCategory: Writing Task 2Hi, please help me to evaluate my essay, and give me the band score. Thanks in advance :)
Greg asked 3 years ago

Question:
In some societies, stress is now regarded as a major problem, and it is thought that people suffer from more stress than they did in past.
However, others feel that amount of stress people have today is exaggerated. They say that previous generations were under more pressure, but the idea of suffering from stress did not exist.
Discuss both these views and give your opinions.
Answer:
            Nowadays, we can see that there is an increasing trend of people suffering from stress. Occasionally, we might hear some shocking news like committing suicide, having mental illness due to overstress. Is stress a major problem for us? Do stress exist during the ancent times? Let us discuss about it.
            Firstly, people nowadays suffer more on mental stress. This is because in this modern era of technology, everything becomes more competitive compared to the past. Students compete among themselves to get flying colours in their results, graduates compete to get a limited job, and all these things will eventually increase their mental stress. As the society become more advanced, it is also stressful to keep on the fast pace of modern society as none of us wants to be catagorised as ‘behinders’.
            On the other hand, let us take a look on the lifestyle of the previous older generations. Although they do not have a competitive fast-paced lifestyle, they still have to work hard as the bread winner of the family. Child in the past mostly do not live in a comfort zone like the present. Some of them need to help their parents to work in the farm, in the sea or even under the blistering sun! Moreover, some of the families undergone separation and death during the wars. Thus, I think that they are more stressful physically.
            To compare either people in the past or in the present are more stressful, I can say that it depends on one’s personal attitude. This is because different people have different view on stress. Actually, stress can be good or bad. During the past, we can observe that there are lesser cases about people suffer from stress compare to the modern days. Personally, I could say that people in the olden days are more positive towards any obstacles that they faced and never gave up on any hope. As the saying goes, every cloud has a silver lining. Nevertheless, in the present, the bad attitude of children causes them to have stress. They keep on lamenting about unfairness in life, but not taking any action to improve it. They have a relatively immature mind compared to children in past and this causes them to do ‘silly things’.
            To conclude, I would say that people nowadays suffer more from stress than people in the past. I strongly believe that the olden people have a higher ability to cope stress compared to people nowadays. Just relax, be positive and you will be carefree!
(420 words)

Zhen replied 3 years ago

Thanks Ms Rachel!! 🙂

Zhen replied 3 years ago

Thanks Ms Rachel!! 🙂

1 Answers
Rachel Evans answered 3 years ago

Question: 
In some societies, stress is now regarded as a major problem, and it is thought that people suffer from more stress than they did in past.
However, others feel that amount of stress people have today is exaggerated. They say that previous generations were under more pressure, but the idea of suffering from stress did not exist.
Discuss both these views and give your opinions.
Answer:
            Nowadays, we can see that there is an increasing trend of people suffering from stress. Occasionally, we might hear some shocking news like committing suicide, having mental illness due to overstress. Is stress a major problem for us? Do *grammar* stress exist during the ancient times? Let us discuss about it. (*Inappropriate language for academic writing)
            Firstly, people nowadays suffer more on mental stress. This is because in this modern era of technology, everything becomes more competitive compared to the past. Students compete among themselves to get flying colours in their results, graduates compete to get a limited job, and all these things will eventually increase their mental stress. As the society become more advanced, it is also stressful to keep on the fast pace of modern society as none of us wants to be catagorised as ‘behinders’.
            On the other hand, let us take a look on the lifestyle of the previous older generations. Although they do not have a competitive fast-paced lifestyle, they still have to work hard as the bread winner of the family. Child in the past mostly do did not live in a comfort zone like the present. Some of them need to help their parents to work in the farm, in the sea or even under the blistering sun! Moreover, some of the families undergone separation and death during the wars. Thus, I think that they are more stressful physically.
*pay attention to tense used. This paragraph mostly talks about people in the past, therefore Past tenses should be more appropriate.
            To compare either people in the past or in the present are more stressful, I can say that it depends on one’s personal attitude. This is because different people have different view on stress. Actually, stress can be good or bad. During the past, we can observe that there are lesser cases about people suffer from stress compare to that of the modern days. Personally, I could say that people in the olden days are more positive towards any obstacles that they faced and never gave up on any hope. As the saying goes, every cloud has a silver lining. Nevertheless, in the present, the bad attitude of children causes them to have stress. They keep on lamenting about unfairness in life, but not taking any action to improve it. They have a relatively immature mind compared to children in past and this causes them to do ‘silly things’.
* Personal pronouns should be avoided
            To conclude, I would say that people nowadays suffer more from stress than people in the past. I strongly believe that the olden people have a higher ability to cope stress compared to people nowadays. Just relax, be positive and you will be carefree!
TA – 6.0

  • address all parts of the task but some parts are less covered than the other.
  • reasoning maybe weak

CC – 6.5
LR – 6.5
GRA – 5.5

  • make some basic grammatical errors.
  • Overall 6.0

 
I believe that higher band could be achieved if you pay more attention on grammar use. 
 
Good luck

Zhen replied 3 years ago

Thanks Ms Rachel!! 🙂

Zhen replied 3 years ago

Thanks Ms Rachel!! 🙂

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