Hi, I'm going to take the real IELTS test this Saturday, so could you please check and score this essay for me? Thank you very much!

QuestionsCategory: Problem-SolutionHi, I'm going to take the real IELTS test this Saturday, so could you please check and score this essay for me? Thank you very much!
rendi asked 6 months ago

Question: What problems does overpopulation cause? can you suggest at least one possible solution?
 
It is undeniable that most overpopulated places could attain a serious problem from one of this environmental issue. Over-inhabitant may caused by several demographic changes which will describes in this essay, including the impacts of its problem.
In the one hand, urbanization could becomes one of factor why overpopulation occurs in some places or cities. Urbanization is an event where the people transmigrate to urban area for work, study, or continuing life. If urbanization rate increased and being uncontrollable, it could results serious problems such as sanitation issues and crimes that could affect life of society. Take Jakarta, which is the capital city of Indonesia, for example. This metropolitan city is well known as a city that has a great number of population which is caused by a significant increased of in-migration rate. Jakarta therefore faces environment and social problems such as wastes from human activities that could affect environmental hygiene and also increasing of criminal cases like almost others big city literally.
In the other hand, an increasing of fertility rate and followed by declining of mortality rate could lead into the population explosion, according to economist. Consequently, Inhabitants need more spaces and foods to satisfy their lives in fact that sources are scarce. If this happened for a long-term, it could be result economic problem substantially.
However, the government must intervenes to tackles population growth by creating regulations to encourages citizens to have a small family (like regulation of China’s authority) or the other method that could reduce the number of fertility, such as socializes the importance of contraception usages to prevent pregnancy. in addition, the authority should develop rural area in order to prevent disparity that makes rural people tend to move to urban area.
In conclusion, urbanization and fertility are some demographic issues that could result population explosion which is have negative impacts on environment, social and economy. Yet, some interventions by the government to creates better policies are substantial to solves the problems.

Hi, I'm going to take the real IELTS test this Saturday, so could you please check and score this essay for me? Thank you very much!
5 (100%) 3 votes

4 Answers
admin answered 6 months ago

It is undeniable that most overpopulated places could attain (==>deal with/confront with) a serious problem from one of this environmental issue. Over-inhabitant may caused by several demographic changes which will describes (==>be described/demonstrated) in this essay, including the impacts of its problem.
In the one hand, urbanization could becomes (become) one of factor(s) why overpopulation occurs in some places or cities. Urbanization is an event where the people transmigrate to urban area for work, study, or continuing life. If urbanization rate increased and being (==>remained/was) uncontrollable, it could results (in) serious problems such as sanitation issues and crimes that could affect life of society. Take Jakarta, which is the capital city of Indonesia, for example. This metropolitan city is well known as a city that has a great number of population which is caused by a significant increased of (increase in) in-migration (immigration) rate. Jakarta therefore faces environment (environmental) and social problems such as wastes from human activities that could affect environmental hygiene and also increasing of  (increase in) criminal cases like almost others (other) big city literally.
In the other hand, an increasing of fertility rate and followed by declining of mortality rate could lead into (to) the population explosion, according to economist. Consequently, Inhabitants need more spaces and foods to satisfy their lives in fact that (re)sources are scarce. If this happened for a long-term, it could be result (result in) economic problem substantially.
However, the government must intervenes to tackles (tackle) population growth by creating regulations to encourages (encourage) citizens to have a small family (like regulation of China’s authority) or the other method that could reduce the number of fertility, such as socializes (socializing) the importance of contraception usages to prevent pregnancy. in addition, the authority should develop rural area in order to prevent disparity that makes rural people tend to move to urban area.
In conclusion, urbanization and fertility are some demographic issues that could result (result in) population explosion which is have (has) negative impacts on environment, social (society) and economy. Yet, some interventions by the government to creates (==>implement/develop/introduce) better policies are substantial to solves the problems.

Hi, I'm going to take the real IELTS test this Saturday, so could you please check and score this essay for me? Thank you very much!
5 (100%) 3 votes

admin answered 6 months ago

Hi,

Your cause-solution essay should follow this basic four paragraph structure:
Paragraph 1- Introduction
Paragraph 2- Problems
Paragraph 3- Solutions
Paragraph 4- Conclusion
At a sentence level, your structure should look like this:
Introduction 
Sentence 1- Paraphrase question
Sentence 2- Outline sentence (say what you will discuss in the rest of the essay)
Problem 
Sentence 3- State problem
Sentence 4- Explain what problem is
Sentence 5- What is the result of this problem
Sentence 6- Example
Solution
Sentence 7- State solution
Sentence 8- Explain how solution will solve problem
Sentence 9- Example
Conclusion 
Sentence 10- Summary of main points in paragraphs 2 and 3
Sentence 11- Prediction or recommendation (optional)

Here are some feedback on your essay:

Task achievement – 5.0
– addresses the task only partially
Coherence and Cohesion – 4.5
– presents information with organisations but there’re lack of overall progression
– uses cohesive devices effectively, but cohesion within sentences may not clear
Lexical Resource – 5.0
Grammatical Range and Accuracy – 5.0
– uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms
– makes some errors in grammar and punctuation but they rarely reduce communication

Total – 5.0

You should pay more focus on building up your grammatical usage (Subjective Verb Agreement, to Verb infinitive,…)

Good luck with your exam!

Hi, I'm going to take the real IELTS test this Saturday, so could you please check and score this essay for me? Thank you very much!
5 (100%) 3 votes

Rachel answered 6 months ago

What problems does overpopulation cause? Can you suggest at least one possible solution?

It is undeniable that most overpopulated places could attain a serious problem from one of this environmental issue. Over-inhabitant may caused by several demographic changes which will describes in this essay, including the impacts of its problem.
In the one hand, urbanization could becomes one of factor why overpopulation occurs in some places or cities. Urbanization is an event where the people transmigrate to urban area for work, study, or continuing life. If urbanization rate increased and being uncontrollable, it could results serious problems such as sanitation issues and crimes that could affect life of society. Take Jakarta, which is the capital city of Indonesia, for example. This metropolitan city is well known as a city that has a great number of population which is caused by a significant increased of in-migration rate. Jakarta therefore faces environment and social problems such as wastes from human activities that could affect environmental hygiene and also increasing of criminal cases like almost others big city literally.
In the other hand, an increasing of fertility rate and followed by declining of mortality rate could lead into the population explosion, according to economist. Consequently, Inhabitants need more spaces and foods to satisfy their lives in fact that sources are scarce. If this happened for a long-term, it could be result economic problem substantially.
However, the government must intervenes to tackles population growth by creating regulations to encourages citizens to have a small family (like regulation of China’s authority) or the other method that could reduce the number of fertility, such as socializes the importance of contraception usages to prevent pregnancy. In addition, the authority should develop rural area in order to prevent disparity that makes rural people tend to move to urban area.
In conclusion, urbanization and fertility are some demographic issues that could result population explosion which is have negative impacts on environment, social and economy. Yet, some interventions by the government to creates better policies are substantial to solves the problems.
(328 words)
Task achievement – 4.0

  • respond to the task only in a minimal way

Coherence and Cohesion – 5.0

  • present information with some organization

Lexical resource – 5.0

  • use a limited range of vocabulary

Grammatical range and Accuracy – 5.0

  • make frequent grammatical errors (very basic)

Overall – 5.0 

Hi, I'm going to take the real IELTS test this Saturday, so could you please check and score this essay for me? Thank you very much!
5 (100%) 3 votes

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Hi, I'm going to take the real IELTS test this Saturday, so could you please check and score this essay for me? Thank you very much!
5 (100%) 3 votes

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