Hi, I have exam on 14th January. I would appreciate if you can correct my essay. Thanks very much

QuestionsCategory: Writing Task 2Hi, I have exam on 14th January. I would appreciate if you can correct my essay. Thanks very much
Marcy asked 5 months ago

Topic: “It is important for children to learn the difference between right and wrong at an early age. Punishment is necessary to help them lean this distinction.
To ehat extent do you agree or disagree with this oprion?
What sort of punishment should parents and teachers be allowed to use to teach good behaviour to children?”
 
Education is the most important gift that parents give to us. Thanks to that people understand the difference between a good action or a bad one. I believe that judgement parameter should be taught during childhood, when children have an open mind. In this essay I will explain why education and the distinction between right and wrong is fundamental and why punishment is necessary.
The main reason why good values should be learned by children is because they will become the next citizens of the world. The most common and ancient method of doing this is with punishments, but sometimes they have an opposite result. This happens when parents or teachers use physical penalities. During childhood the little boy will have fear and when he or she will become adult, there are a lot of probabilities that, all the bad feelings accumulated during the punishments, will transform the child in a felon.
On the contrary, there are a lot of others types of penalities that will teach good values and the difference between right and wrong. For instance, passing a particular bad of general situation on their skin. I truly believe that this is the most human and efficient punishment that could and should be used for teaching something. For example, when my best friend was young, some burglars stole something from his house. At beginning he felt angry and wanted revenge. After a while he realized that if he had made the same thing, the bulgars would have felt the same pain that he had felt. So he learned what is right and wrong and should or should not be done.
In conclusion there are different types of punishments. Something works and others not. The important thing is always trying teaching the good values with human methods.
(298 words)

Hi, I have exam on 14th January. I would appreciate if you can correct my essay. Thanks very much
5 (100%) 4 votes

Rachel replied 5 months ago

Hi, Marcy
I commented it as repetitive ‘cuz there’re lots of ‘and’ in the same sentence. It’d be better if you can find another way to connect phrases/ ideas. Maybe you should write the last part of the sentence differently

Marcy replied 5 months ago

ok, perfect. I will try to write it in a different way. Thanks again πŸ™‚

Rachel replied 4 months ago

you’re welcome! keep writing and it’ll be excellent πŸ˜‰

4 Answers
Rachel Evans answered 5 months ago

Education is the most important gift that parents give to us. Thanks to that, people understand the difference between a good action or and a bad one. I believe that judgement parameter should be taught during childhood, when children have an open mind. In this essay I will explain why education and the distinction between right and wrong is fundamental and why punishment is necessary. (repetitive)
The main reason why good values should be learned by children is because they will become the next citizens of the world. The most common and ancient method of doing this is with punishments, but sometimes they have an opposite result. This happens when parents or teachers use physical penalties punishment (corporal punishment). During childhood the aΒ Β little boy will have fear and when he or she will become adult, there are a lot of probabilities that, all the bad feelings accumulated during the punishments, will transform the child in a felon.
On the contrary, there are a lot of others types of penalities penalties that will teach good values and the difference between right and wrong. For instance, passing a particular bad of general situation on their skin (?). I truly believe that this is the most humane and efficient punishment that could and should be used for teaching something. For example, when my best friend was young, some burglars stole something from his house. At beginning he felt angry and wanted revenge. After a while he realized that if he had made the same thing, the bulgars burglars would have felt the same pain that he had felt. So he learned what is right and wrong and should or should not be done.
In conclusion there are different types of punishments. Something works and others not. The important thing is always trying teaching the good values with human methods.
(298 words)
Task achievement – 4.5

  • address the task only partially (not sufficiently response to the question)

Coherence and cohesion – 5.0

  • may be repetitive

Lexical resource – 5.5

  • use only a limited range of vocabulary,Β 
  • language used at some point is not appropriate (informal)

Grammatical range and accuracy – 5.5

  • use a mix of complex and simple sentence forms;Β however, some sentences are not complete or inappropriate

Overall 5.0

Hi, I have exam on 14th January. I would appreciate if you can correct my essay. Thanks very much
5 (100%) 4 votes

Rachel replied 5 months ago

Hi, Marcy
I commented it as repetitive ‘cuz there’re lots of ‘and’ in the same sentence. It’d be better if you can find another way to connect phrases/ ideas. Maybe you should write the last part of the sentence differently

Marcy replied 5 months ago

ok, perfect. I will try to write it in a different way. Thanks again πŸ™‚

Rachel replied 4 months ago

you’re welcome! keep writing and it’ll be excellent πŸ˜‰

Marcy answered 5 months ago

Thanks for your reply. I will try to improve my vocabulary and the others skills. I have a question. Why you said that this part is repetitive:”In this essay I will explain why education and the distinction between right and wrong is fundamental and why punishment is necessary.”?Β I wrote it because my professor said to me that it was good phrase, because it explains what I will discuss about in the essay. Do you believe that I should take off?

Hi, I have exam on 14th January. I would appreciate if you can correct my essay. Thanks very much
5 (100%) 4 votes

Rachel replied 5 months ago

Hi, Marcy
I commented it as repetitive ‘cuz there’re lots of ‘and’ in the same sentence. It’d be better if you can find another way to connect phrases/ ideas. Maybe you should write the last part of the sentence differently

Marcy replied 5 months ago

ok, perfect. I will try to write it in a different way. Thanks again πŸ™‚

Rachel replied 4 months ago

you’re welcome! keep writing and it’ll be excellent πŸ˜‰

Thuy Dung Pham answered 4 months ago

Education is the most important gift that parents give to us. Thanks to that people understand the difference between a good action or a bad one (the good and the bad or good actions or bad ones). I believe that judgement parameter should be taught during childhood, when children have an open mind. In this essay, (comma) I will explain why education and the distinction between right and wrong is fundamental and why punishment is necessary.

The main reason why good values should be learned by children is because they will become the next citizens of the world. The most common and ancient method of doing this is with punishments, but sometimes they have an opposite result. This happens when parents or teachers use physical penalities. During childhood, (comma) the a little boy will have fear and when he or she will become adult, there are a lot of probabilities that, all the bad feelings accumulated during the punishments, will transform the child in a felon (run-on sentence/ unclear idea)
On the contrary, there are a lot of others other types of penalities that will teach good values and the difference between right and wrong. For instance, passing a particular bad of general situation on their skin (unclear idea). I truly believe that this is the most human and efficient punishment that could and should be used for teaching something. For example, when my best friend was young, some burglars stole something from his house. At beginning he felt angry and wanted revenge. After a while he realized that if he had made the same thing, the bulgars would have felt the same pain that he had felt. So he learned what is right and wrong and should or should not be done.(irrelevant example)
In conclusion there are different types of punishments. Something works and others not. The important thing is always trying teaching the good values with human methods.
(298 words)
Task achievement: 5.5 (presents some main ideas but the development is not always clear and not sufficiently developed)
Coherence and Cohesion: 4.5 (present information with some organisation but may be lack of overall progression)
Lexical Resource: 5.0 (uses only basic and limited range of vocabulary)
Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 4.0 (uses only a very limited range of structures, some structures are accurate but errors predominate and punctuation is often faulty)
Overall: 5.0 (this task needs to be improved. It is too simple to get high score)
 
 

Hi, I have exam on 14th January. I would appreciate if you can correct my essay. Thanks very much
5 (100%) 4 votes

Rachel replied 5 months ago

Hi, Marcy
I commented it as repetitive ‘cuz there’re lots of ‘and’ in the same sentence. It’d be better if you can find another way to connect phrases/ ideas. Maybe you should write the last part of the sentence differently

Marcy replied 5 months ago

ok, perfect. I will try to write it in a different way. Thanks again πŸ™‚

Rachel replied 4 months ago

you’re welcome! keep writing and it’ll be excellent πŸ˜‰

Marcy answered 4 months ago

Thanks for your help. I will read it again and I will try to improve, maybe learning more vocabulary and writing much more.

Hi, I have exam on 14th January. I would appreciate if you can correct my essay. Thanks very much
5 (100%) 4 votes

Rachel replied 5 months ago

Hi, Marcy
I commented it as repetitive ‘cuz there’re lots of ‘and’ in the same sentence. It’d be better if you can find another way to connect phrases/ ideas. Maybe you should write the last part of the sentence differently

Marcy replied 5 months ago

ok, perfect. I will try to write it in a different way. Thanks again πŸ™‚

Rachel replied 4 months ago

you’re welcome! keep writing and it’ll be excellent πŸ˜‰

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