Hi, can you evaluate my essay please?

QuestionsCategory: OpinionHi, can you evaluate my essay please?
AdamRahimov asked 2 years ago

Some people think that children sould learn to compete, but others think they should be taught to co-operate so they could become more useful aduls. Give your opinion With the advancement of the technology, everything, as well as our way of lives, has changed. In retrospect, we can see our ancestry co-operated for surviving, whilst the people are prone to reveal to be successful as there is no apparent danger for people’s life. Whether children should be taught to compete or co-operate is a heated topic and people take different attitudes. As far as I am concerned, I believe that living in a competitive environment has benefits neither to individuals nor to the society at large. As the proverb goes “Union is strength”, we owe to co-operating for our existence. İf our ancestries opted for rivalling rather than working together, probably, the human beings would not be alive today. There is no doubt that we can achieve good results as individuals, but the perfectness requires working in a team. As a result, we often see successful people associate their achievements with team-work. Secondly, in a competitive environment, people are likely to see each other as enemies, while they have a tendency to make friends in a team work. That is why parents should teach their offspring how to be helpful to each other for warranting their happiness. Because, maybe they can be prosperous, but contentment really needs friends. On the other hand, there are some who strongly states that the people around them just can bring drawbacks. As for them, life is based on competition, and to be the first person does not need any friends, even be able to leave everybody behind. More disturbingly, they teach their standpoints to their children for ensuring their success. These kinds of children do everything for their benefits, and some divine values such as friendship, help other people does not exist for them in later life. By way of conclusion, I reaffirm my position that parents should their children how to work together, as advantages of co-operating definitely overshadow that of rivalling.

Hi, can you evaluate my essay please?
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1 Answers
Rachel Evans answered 2 years ago

Some people think that children should learn to compete, but others think they should be taught to co-operate so they could become more useful adults. Give your opinion.
With the advancement of the technology, everything, as well as our way of lives, has changed. In retrospect, we can see our ancestry co-operated for surviving, whilst the people are prone to reveal to be successful as there is no apparent danger for people’s life. Whether children should be taught to compete or co-operate is a heated topic and people take different attitudes.
As far as I am concerned, I believe that living in a competitive environment has benefits neither to individuals nor to the society at large. As the proverb goes “Union is strength”, we owe to co-operating for our existence. If our ancestries opted for rivalling rather than working together, probably, the human beings would not be alive today. There is no doubt that we can achieve good results as individuals, but the perfectness requires working in a team. As a result, we often see successful people associate their achievements with team-work. Secondly, in a competitive environment, people are likely to see each other as enemies, while they have a tendency to make friends in a team work. That is why parents should teach their offspring how to be helpful to each other for warranting their happiness. Because, maybe they can be prosperous, but contentment really needs friends.
On the other hand, there are some who strongly states that the people around them just can bring drawbacks. As for them, life is based on competition, and to be the first person does not need any friends, even be able to leave everybody behind. More disturbingly, they teach their standpoints to their children for ensuring their success. These kinds of children do everything for their benefits, and some divine values such as friendship, help other people does not exist for them in later life.
By way of conclusion, I reaffirm my position that parents should teach their children how to work together, as advantages of co-operating definitely overshadow that of rivalling.
TA – 6.0

  • present a relevant position
  • may be underdeveloped

CC – 5.5

  • present info with some organisation
  • cohesion between sentences may not smooth

LR – 6.0

  • use an adequate range of vocab for the task

GRA – 6.0

  • use a mix of simple and complex structures

Overall 6.0

Hi, can you evaluate my essay please?
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