Hello! I would be happy if you checked my essay. Thank you.

QuestionsCategory: Writing Task 2Hello! I would be happy if you checked my essay. Thank you.
Julia asked 2 years ago

Topic:Rich countries are getting richer while poor countries are getting poorer. What is the cause of this? What could be done to solve this problem?
Answer:
There are many successful countries in the world are developing while poor one are becoming worse. I think not only the people’s attitude to life is the significant cause of it but also some circumstances can influence welfare.
The main reason why rich country became more comfortable for citizens is successful society. People are used to living in good condition and try to work harder to provide the great future for them and their children. For example, in Germany people have only one day off in a week, they don’t have a lot of celebrations in a year and therefore their society is prosperous.
As for poor countries, in my view, people who live there don’t care about living conditions and don’t want to improve it. They don’t want to work at all and often rob tourists. I watched many such episodes in programs about travelling around Africa.
However, we also have some examples of countries which were poor and become rich such as UAE or Singapore .  The oil was found on UAE  territory and it contributed to developing. Now citizens of this country live much better than seventy or sixty years ago. However, not only finding of fossils can improve the situation in country but also an eager country leader such as in Singapore.
Personally I believe that people can change the situation in their country by modifying their behaviour. Poor country can see on examples of successful countries and follow their politic. To my mind, everything can be improved if people want to do it.
 Taking everything into account, it must be said that the main cause of impoverished countries is people’s attitude to standard of living, however, they could increase their welfare if they applied efforts.

Hello! I would be happy if you checked my essay. Thank you.
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1 Answers
Thuy Dung Pham answered 2 years ago

There are many successful countries in the world are succefully developing while poor ones are becoming worse. I think not only the people’s attitude to life is the a significant cause of it, but also some circumstances can influence welfare.
The main reason why rich country became more comfortable for citizens is successful society. People are used to living in good conditions and try tend to work harder to provide the great future for them and their children. For example, in Germany-> German people have only one day off in a per week, they don’t (never use short form!!!) => besides having one day-off per week, German citizens have a lot of celebrations in a year and therefore their society is prosperous.
In comparison to for poor countries, in my personal view, people who live there don’t either are more likely to care less about living conditions or feel don’t  further improvement unnecessary. They don’t want to work at all and often rob tourists (Are you sure??? Quite generalize!). This situation is often shown in many such episodes in programs documentaries about travelling around Africa.
However, we also have some examples of countries which were once poor and become rich -> significantly rose from the ashes such as UAE or Singapore. The oil was found on UAE territory and it contributed to developing the country’s development. Now its citizens live much better than seventy or sixty years ago. However, not only finding of fossils can improve the situation in the country but also an eager country leader such as in Singapore.(?! Confusing)
Personally I believe that people can change the situation in their country by modifying their behaviour-> behaviors. Poor country can see on examples of learn from successful countries and follow their politic. To my mind, everything can be improved if people want to do it.
Taking everything into account, it must could be said that the main cause of impoverished countries could be people’s attitude to standard of living, however, they could increase their welfare if they applied -> apply efforts.
Feedback
Task achievement: 6.5 (ideas are somewhat confusing, evidence is not strong and supportive enough, avoid generalization)
Coherence and cohesion: 6.0 (clear overall progression but lack of logical organization)
Lexical resources: 6.5 (advanced vocabs but used inappropriately in some sentences)
Grammar Range and Accuracy: 5.5 (attempts to use complex structures but lose control at some points, mistakes when using a/an/the)
Overall: 6.0 (take notes on grammar, find stronger evidence, avoid generalizing/assuming)

Hello! I would be happy if you checked my essay. Thank you.
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