Hello! Could you please assess my essay? Thank you!

QuestionsCategory: OpinionHello! Could you please assess my essay? Thank you!
iwannabest asked 6 months ago

Some think that women are generally more peaceful than men as their characters are naturally more nurturing than aggressive. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
                Nowadays, the small proportion of the worldwide leaders who can bring better situations for the society is women. It is considered by some that females have too calm behavior which cannot solve massive problems unfortunately. In my opinion, I strongly believe that men could more encouraged and stronger even though there are several famous women who are public figures.
                First of all, it is hard for women not to be vulnerable. However, there are incredible women whose intensiveness are unbelievable how they could such big things. For instance, Aung San Suu Kyi, winner of the Nobel Peace laureates, made important decisions and implementations for just her own country instead of living easier. Although she confronted many consequences try to be abandoned the goal, her mentality was going to be more resilient and more unbreakable.
                On the other hand, the huge percentage of national presidents or people who can ratify something big is men, indeed. In this case, they are dedicated to administrate communities undoubtedly. In fact, approximately 85 percent of winners of the Nobel Peace laureates is males. Which means they are really good at leading the group or declaring in the vitally important states.
                In conclusion, having no doubt, in my opinion, to make significant decisions is more suitable for men. It is apparent that sometimes every woman follows the wrong way to make a hard choice because of too peaceful character. In addition, there are more obvious examples relating to men comparing to the women, despite the fact that there are a few definitely successful females are trying to develop society.

Hello! Could you please assess my essay? Thank you!
4 (80%) 1 vote

1 Answers
Rachel Evans answered 6 months ago

Some think that women are generally more peaceful than men as their characters are naturally more nurturing than aggressive. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
                Nowadays, the small proportion of the worldwide leaders who can bring better situations for to the society is women. (?!) It is considered by some that females have too calm behavior which cannot to solve massive problems, unfortunately. (?!) In my opinion, I strongly believe that men could be more encouraged and stronger even though there are several famous women who are public figures. (What’s your purpose mentioning this?)
                First of all, it is hard for women not to be vulnerable. However, there are incredible women whose intensiveness are is unbelievable how they could such big things. (?!) For instance, Aung San Suu Kyi, winner of the Nobel Peace laureates, made important decisions and implementations for just her own country instead of living easier (?!). Although she confronted many consequences try to be abandoned the goal, her mentality was going to be more resilient and more unbreakable. (?!) 
                On the other hand, the huge percentage of national presidents or people who can ratify something big is men, indeed. In this case, they are dedicated to administrate communities undoubtedly. In fact, approximately 85 percent of winners of the Nobel Peace laureates is are males. Which, which means they are really good at leading the group or declaring in the vitally important states.
                In conclusion, having no doubt, in my opinion, to make making significant decisions is more suitable for men. It is apparent that sometimes every woman follows the wrong way to make a hard choice because of too peaceful character. In addition, there are more obvious examples relating to men comparing to the women, despite the fact that there are a few definitely successful females are trying to develop society.
Overall 3.0
Task achievement – 3.0

  • does not adequately address the task
  • present few ideas, which are largely undeveloped/ irrelevant

Coherence and Cohesion – 3.0

  • present information and ideas but there is no clear progression in the response
  • use limited basic cohesive devices

Lexical resource – 3.5

  • use very limited range of words and expression with limited control of word use

Grammatical range and accuracy – 3.0

  • use very limited range of structures
  • some structural errors severely distort the meaning of sentences

I think you should work more on your grammar and forming ideas. It’s very hard to understand what you wrote on your essay; some sentences make no senses at all, and ideas are very poor. Lots of repetition, faulty in basic grammar, word choices…
Make sure you understand the task question thoroughly before writing.
Good luck!

Hello! Could you please assess my essay? Thank you!
4 (80%) 1 vote

Get more stuff like this
in your inbox

Subscribe to our mailing list and get interesting stuff and updates to your email inbox.