Dear Rachel, Could you please review my essay? I have my exam in the coming month. Thank you.

QuestionsCategory: Writing Task 2Dear Rachel, Could you please review my essay? I have my exam in the coming month. Thank you.
Geetanjali Das asked 2 years ago

For a long time, art has been considered an essential part of all cultures in the world. However, nowadays people’s values have changed, and we tend to consider science, technology and business more important than arts. What do you think are the causes of this? What can be done to draw people’s attention to art?
It is really a heartbreaking fact, but it is true, this growing world interest is inclined more to science, technologies and business than to arts. Why is that so? Can we provide some solution to it? In this essay I would like to provide a brief explanation related to such concerns.
Arts occupies a major part of our histories. Our ancestors had left their presence mostly in the form of arts. Without arts will it be possible to know how a mummy look like? Majority of images laid down in stones clearly confirm vast details of happenings that occurred in our absence. It is true that science, technologies, business all these in someway forms a backbone of a developed country. But this cannot replace our histories. We are here to teach our upcoming generations what is our origins. Maintaining a vital place of arts is very essential. But people are so much envied by the fantasy of science that they feel no good it visiting art museums. Due to less number of visitors to such museums government are paying least interest in its development, and most are even shut down. 
Steps should be taken before it is too late. One of the most effective step is introducing art as an essential subject in schools. As childrens are the building block of nation, it is necessary to make them realise that art occupies an equal place with science. Government should pay heed to the development of art museums. However, short programs should be displayed in televisions showing the importance of arts, also more emphasis should be laid in development of arts related magazines.
Above are some of the steps that might help in drawing people’s attention towards arts.

Dear Rachel, Could you please review my essay? I have my exam in the coming month. Thank you.
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1 Answers
Rachel Evans answered 2 years ago

For a long time, art has been considered an essential part of all cultures in the world. However, nowadays people’s values have changed, and we tend to consider science, technology and business more important than arts. What do you think are the causes of this? What can be done to draw people’s attention to art?

It is really a heartbreaking fact, but it is true, this growing world interest is inclined more to science, technologies and business than to arts. Why is that so? Can we provide some solution to it? In this essay I would like to provide a brief explanation related to such concerns.
Arts occupy a major part of our histories. Our ancestors had left their presence mostly in the form of arts. Without arts will it be possible to know how a mummy looks like? Majority of images laid down in stones clearly confirm vast details of happenings that occurred in our absence. It is true that science, technologies, business all these in someway forms a backbone of a developed country. But this cannot replace our histories. We are here to teach our upcoming generations what is our origins. Maintaining a vital place of arts is very essential. But people are so much envied by the fantasy of science that they feel no good it visiting art museums. Due to less number of visitors to such museums government are paying least interest in its (what does this refer to?) development, and most are even shut down. 
Steps should be taken before it is too late. One of the most effective steps is introducing art as an essential subject in schools. As childrens are the building block of nation, it is necessary to make them realise that art occupies an equal place with science. Government should pay heed to the development of art museums. However, short programs should be displayed in televisions showing the importance of arts, also more emphasis should be laid in development of arts related magazines.
Above are some of the steps that might help in drawing people’s attention towards arts.
 

  • I suggest not putting your introduction in question form. It’s not wrong but statements are more advantageous

TA – 5.0

  • Address the task only partially
  • Express a position but the development is weak

CC – 5.0

  • Paragraphing maybe not adequate

LR – 6.0

  • Make some errors in spelling…

GRA – 5.5

  • limited range of sentence structures
  • some grammatical mistakes

Overall 5.0

Dear Rachel, Could you please review my essay? I have my exam in the coming month. Thank you.
Rate this post

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