Could you please score my essay and give some feedback ? Thanks you.

QuestionsCategory: Writing Task 2Could you please score my essay and give some feedback ? Thanks you.
Mylene Saigyouji asked 2 years ago

Task 2: Studies have suggested that nowadays children watch
much more television than they did in the past and spend less time
on active or creative things. What are the reasons and what
measures should be taken to encourage children to spend more
time on active or creative things?
There is no doubt that nowadays children usually spent lot of their time to watch
television rather than join into active or creative things. This trend was the result of
multi reason that could be solve with concentrate and caring.
The primary reason of this is a huge amount of addictive content television channel
that have been broadcast all day long with high quality of imagination as well as vivid
animations. Disney channel, Cartoon network was been produce in US or Anime
Network in Asia with their 24-hours programs are a real evident for this.
The second reason come from family itself because at this modern time when all
people who want to success need to work hard and of course this include their parent
as well. Too busy with work, they could not take care of their child so of course they
want children could spent their time on something safe without their attention.
This two reason was mainly why children consuming lot of their time stick their face
into television screen; in long term, a harmful life like this could lead to lot of health
risk problem but could be solve by changing their habit to join in active and creative
activities.
Some parent choice to limit the time that their children could watch television via
activating parent control mode and set amount of time on television set. But personal I
don’t think this is a good solution because strict parents tend to create sneaky children
and this could lead to a few bad habit behind their parent back. Another effective way
that parent could increase more of their time for children and engage them to join in
outdoor active such as sport, camping of go fishing.
In conclude, the reason why children additive into television rather than active and
creative activities are obvious. This negative trend could be treat with many remedies
from their parent with more attention and caring.

Could you please score my essay and give some feedback ? Thanks you.
5 (100%) 1 vote

1 Answers
Rachel Evans answered 2 years ago

There is no doubt that nowadays children usually spent spend lots of their time to watch watching television rather than joining into active or creative things. This trend was the result of multi reason that could be solved with concentrate and caring. (wform) (why do you use past tense in this sentence?!)
The primary reason of this is a huge amount of addictive content television channelthat have been broadcasted all day long with high-quality of imagination as well as vivid animations. Disney Channel, Cartoon Network was been, which are produced in the US or Anime Network in Asia with their 24-hours programs, are a real evident for this.
The second reason comes from family itself because at this modern time when all people who want to be success need to work hard, and of course, this include their parents as well (the second part may become unclear). Too busy with work, they could not take care of their child so of course, they want children could spent spend their time on something safe without their attention.
This These two reasons was mainly explain why children are consuming lot of their time sticking their faces into television screen; in long term, a harmful lifestyle like this could lead to lots of health risk problems but could be solved by changing their habit to join in active and creative activities.
Some parents choice choose (or parents’ choice is…) to limit the time that their children could watch television via activating parent control mode and set amount of time on television set. But personally I don’t do not think this is a good solution because strict parents tend to create sneaky children and this could lead to a few bad habits behind their parents’ back. Another effective way that parent could increase more of their time for children and engage them to join in outdoor active activities such as sport, camping of go fishing. (/or going fishing?!)
In conclude conclusion, the reasons why children become additive into television rather than active and creative activities are obvious. This negative trend could be treated with many remedies from their parents with more attention and caring. (?!)
Task achievement – 6.5

  • address all parts of the task
  • present a clear position through the response

Coherence and cohesion – 5.5

  • arrange information coherently and there is a clear overall progression

Lexical resource – 6.0

  • use an adequate range of vocabulary for the task
  • make errors in spelling, word forms, etc.
  • word used may be repetitive

Grammatical range and accuracy – 5.0

  • make many errors in grammar (s-v agreement, singular/ plural, punctuation, active/passive form, etc.)

Overall 6.0

Could you please score my essay and give some feedback ? Thanks you.
5 (100%) 1 vote

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