Could you please score my essay and give some feedback ? Thank you in advance

QuestionsCategory: Writing Task 2Could you please score my essay and give some feedback ? Thank you in advance
Linh Bui asked 2 years ago

Task: Convenience foods will become increasingly prevalent and eventually replace traditional foods and traditional methods of food preparation. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
My essay:
Some people believe that processed foods will be more and more consumed and take over staple foods sooner or later, even changing the way people cooks foods. I completely agree with this point of view.
In fact, there are variety of reasons why junk foods become widespread steadily over the recent years. Firstly, it would be difficult for students and workers to prepare because of facing the pace of industrialization life when people may have less time than before. For example, most office jobs in Vietnam require people to exert an eight-hour day themselves, even having to work sometimes overtime that might not give them spare time to carry out something else, including to make a meal. Secondly, convenience stores are mushrooming everywhere instead of traditional markets which is one of the factors making inhabitants more inactive. Finally, multinational retail groups and domestic companies have been investing into developing countries that increases more convenience foods than ever before.
Although traditional dishes are healthy to eat, it seems there are some downsides that processed foods would take the place of it in modern life. Traditional foods need a lot of preparations and a long process to make it such as going out to buy, peeling vegetables and cooking it while junk food could be ate instantly. If materials for staple meals are not preserved particularly, it will be likely rotten. Furthermore, the more a country develops, the more land disappear. People would have to spend more money for vegetables and meat notwithstanding food quality is not secured.
In conclusion, I believe that convenience foods will be more popular and once and for all displace the foods which take long preparations because of its advantages.

Could you please score my essay and give some feedback ? Thank you in advance
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linh bui replied 2 years ago

Hello Rachel, Thank you so much. Wish all the best to you!

Rachel replied 2 years ago

you’re welcome. Same to you! ^^~

1 Answers
Rachel Evans answered 2 years ago

Convenience foods will become increasingly prevalent and eventually replace traditional foods and traditional methods of food preparation. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

Some people believe that processed foods will be more and more consumed and take over staple foods sooner or later, even changing the way people cooks foods. I completely agree with this point of view.
In fact, there are is a variety of reasons why junk foods become widespread steadily over the recent years. Firstly, it would be difficult for students and workers to prepare because of facing the pace of industrialization life when people may have less time than before.(need some punctuations here. And I suggest you write this part differently) For example, most office jobs in Vietnam require people to exert an eight-hour day themselves, even having to work sometimes overtime that might not give them spare time to carry out something anything else, including to make making a meal. (!!) Secondly, convenience stores are mushrooming everywhere instead of traditional markets (?!) which is are one of the factors making inhabitants more inactive (!!). Finally, multinational retail groups and domestic companies have been investing into developing countries that (?!) increases more convenience foods than ever before.
Although traditional dishes are healthy to eat, it seems there are some downsides that processed foods would take the place of it in modern life. Traditional foods need a lot of preparations and a long process to make it, such as going out to buy ingredients, peeling vegetables and cooking it while junk food could be ate eaten instantly. If materials ingredients for staple meals are not preserved particularly (?!- do you mean separately?), it will be likely rotten. Furthermore, the more a country develops, the more land disappears. (lands do not disappear, though) People would have to spend more money for vegetables and meat notwithstanding food quality is not secured.
In conclusion, I believe that convenience foods will be more popular and once and for all displace the foods which take long preparations because of its advantages.
Task achievement – 6.0

  • address all parts of the task
  • present some main ideas but they are not clear at all

Coherence and Cohesion – 5.0

  • there’s overall progression
  • flow of ideas is not easy to follow

Lexical resource – 6.0

  • use an adequate range of vocabulary for the task
  • attempt to use less common words but with some inaccuracy

Grammatical range and accuracy – 5.0

  • use a mix of simple and complex structures
  • make some errors in s-v agreement, punctuation… – errors cause difficulty for the reader

Overall 5.5

Could you please score my essay and give some feedback ? Thank you in advance
Rate this post

linh bui replied 2 years ago

Hello Rachel, Thank you so much. Wish all the best to you!

Rachel replied 2 years ago

you’re welcome. Same to you! ^^~

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