Could you please score my essay and give some feedback ? My exam is next week. Thank you in advance.

QuestionsCould you please score my essay and give some feedback ? My exam is next week. Thank you in advance.
Kieu Son Hoang asked 2 years ago

 
Topic: Very few women hold key positions in politics and business. How could society help more women achieve such positions?
One of the most controversial issues nowadays relates to the lack of women having political and business key positions. However, the majority of citizens seem to praise men as politicians and businessmen. In this essay, some practical suggestions can be proposed with a view to providing women with more chances of achieving such positions.

To begin with, what societies should do initially to provide an equal and unbiased working environment without the existence of gender discrimination. Why an unfair working place exists can be because of women’s indecisiveness and impatience , which are crucial to the political and business fields. Therefore, alterations in employers’ opinions such as judging women by their abilities rather than genders may be an appropriate solution. Specifically, encouraging mass media to publicize women’s outstanding achievements such as Hillary Clinton and Marry Barra, establishing laws to deal with gender discrimination in corporations. For instance, according to China’s Labor Law, employers are not allowed to question women candidates whether they are pregnant or intend to get pregnant in the recruitment or promotion interviews; otherwise, the election procedure would be considered unfair and the employers would be sued for discrimination. Hence, this law protects women’s equal employment and promotion right.

Another suggestion to be considered is the mitigation of women’s responsibilities when it comes to home caring, which is illustrated by the fact that most wives are expected to be more responsible for housework than their marriage partners who are supposed to work and bring home the bacon. As a result, they tend to have insufficient time and energy to devote to their work, limiting their promotion. In order to release them from this, governments should subsidize sending children of working parents to kindergartens. Hence, employed mothers can choose to work with no worrying about the kindergarten fees. Besides, persuading fathers to share the house chores is advisable, which would not only spare time for mothers but also benefit children’s all-round development.

In conclusion, with a view to increasing the number of women’s key positions in politics and business, societies are supposed to create a more balanced and impartial environment for women as well as help to relieve women’s family burden.
 

Could you please score my essay and give some feedback ? My exam is next week. Thank you in advance.
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1 Answers
Rachel Evans answered 2 years ago

Very few women hold key positions in politics and business. How could society help more women achieve such positions?
One of the most controversial issues nowadays relates to the lack of women having political and business key positions. However (In fact…), the majority of citizens seem to praise men as politicians and businessmen. In this essay, some practical suggestions can be proposed with a view to providing women with more chances of achieving such positions.
To begin with, what societies should do initially is to provide an equal and unbiased working environment without the existence of gender discrimination. Why an unfair working place exists can be because of women’s indecisiveness and impatience, which are crucial to the political and business fields. (?!) Therefore, alterations in employers’ opinions such as judging women by their abilities rather than genders may be an appropriate solution. Specifically, encouraging mass media to publicize women’s outstanding achievements such as Hillary Clinton and Marry Barra, establishing laws to deal with gender discrimination in corporations. (why is this separated from the following sentence? This sentence, standing alone like this, makes no senses at all. You may want to rewrite this to make it a sentence) For instance, according to China’s Labor Law, employers are not allowed to question women candidates whether they are pregnant or intend to get pregnant in the recruitment or promotion interviews; otherwise, the election (?! cohesion) procedure would be considered unfair and the employers would be sued for discrimination. Hence, this law protects women’s equal employment and promotion right.
Another suggestion to be considered is the mitigation of women’s responsibilities when it comes to home caring, which is illustrated by the fact that most wives are expected to be more responsible for housework than their marriage partners who are supposed to work and bring home the bacon. As a result, they tend to have insufficient time and energy to devote to their work, limiting their promotion. In order to release them from this, governments should subsidize sending children of working parents to kindergartens. Hence, employed mothers can choose to work with no worrying about the kindergarten fees. Besides, persuading fathers to share the house chores is advisable, which would not only spare time for mothers but also benefit children’s all-round development.
In conclusion, with a view to increasing the number of women’s key positions in politics and business, societies are supposed to create a more balanced and impartial environment for women as well as help to relieve women’s family burden.
Task achievement – 6.5

  • address all parts
  • present a clear position throughout the respond

Coherence and cohesion – 6.0

  • there is a clear overall progression
  • use cohesive devices effectively but cohesion within sentences may be faulty

Lexical resource – 6.5

  • use sufficient range of vocabulary to allow some flexibility
  • make some errors in word choices

Grammatical range and accuracy – 6.5

  • use a variety of complex structures
  • make some grammatical errors

Overall 6.5
I like the way you write your 3rd paragraph 

Could you please score my essay and give some feedback ? My exam is next week. Thank you in advance.
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