could you please score and check my essay

QuestionsCategory: Dicussioncould you please score and check my essay
Harie Jane asked 12 months ago

Q. Some people believe that in the future, books and newspapers will no longer exist outside of electronic devices. Many others say that this form of information is an important tradition that will never be lost .Discuss both sides and give your own opinion.

The advancement of technology is the most powerful source of information.Some feel that computer devices will replace print out books and articles in the future. However, I agree with those who say that the hard copy of books still exists in certain extent. In this essay,I will examine both sides of the topic,as well as give my own opinion.

Regarding those who feel the advent of automation significantly reduce the printed book, there are many reasons.This is because of the fact that, the hyperspace help people connect through a network and they could search all articles that they need.For instance,there are different websites which provide plenty of information such as http://www.national geograpic.com or http://www.discovery.com. Secondly, several university lectures are given online and available to students throughout the day. A study from Harvard found that 96% of candidates prefer to attend class on the Skype.

On the other hand, it is forecast that newspapers or magazines will stay ultimate but the amount will decline hefty. This due to the fact that, everyone does not like to read an article through the gadget all the time.More specifically,the radiation from computer screen would cause eye irritation and give a negative impact on eye’s health. A national survey of doctors of optometry found that more than 14% of their patients present with eye or vision-related symptoms resulting from computer work.

To sum up, it can be argued that the merits of e-books outweigh its drawbacks and yet we should consider negative aspects and try not to over usage them.

could you please score and check my essay
4.4 (87%) 20 votes

1 Answers
Harie Jane answered 12 months ago

Hi Boby,

For your introduction, it can follow this structure:
Sentence 1- Paraphrase Question and/or state both view points.

Sentence 2- Thesis Statement

Sentence 3- Outline Sentence

==> You have a well-structured introduction. However:
We can’t say: “The advancement of technology is the most powerful source of information” because it is not rational. It should be: ” Rapid advance in state-of-the-art technology allow people to tap into limitless sources of information

==> It will be a better general statement before you write a thesis statement for the introduction paragraph. 
For your conclusion:
It should follow the structure below:

Sentence 1- Summary

Sentence 2- State which one is better or more important

I found some errors in cohesion in “it can be argued that the merits of e-books outweigh its drawbacks”.

In the introduction, you stated that “Some feel that computer devices will replace print out books and articles in the future. However, I agree with those who say that the hard copy of books still exists in certain extent.”==> You should support your idea. You can paraphrase this sentence or at an advanced level, you can say that:

“In conclusion, although it is true that the number of electronic books and news has increased considerably in the recent years, but the existence of the hardcopy version will be irreplaceable.” 

” In conclusion, despite the fact that e-books and online news hold an important role, I firmly support the tendency that they cannot eclipse printed-out newspapers and books.”
For 2 Boday Paragraphs, the structure can be: 
Main Body Paragraph 1

Sentence 1- State first viewpoint

Sentence 2- Discuss first viewpoint

Sentence 3- Reason why you agree or disagree with viewpoint

Sentence 4- Example to support your view

Main Body Paragraph 2

Sentence 1- State second viewpoint

Sentence 2- Discuss second viewpoint

Sentence 3- Reason why you agree or disagree with viewpoint

Sentence 4- Example to support your view

Here are some feedback and comment on your essay:

Task Achievement: 6.5

•    addresses all parts of the task
•    presents a clear position throughout the response
•    presents, extends and supports main ideas, but there may be a tendency to overgeneralise and/or supporting ideas may lack focus

Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5

– arranges information and ideas coherently and there is a clear overall progression
– uses cohesive devices effectively, but cohesion within and/or between sentences is faulty or mechanical
– doesn’t not always use referencing clearly or appropriately

Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6.0

– uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms
– makes some errors in grammar and punctuation but they rarely reduce communication

Lexical Resource: 6.0

•    uses an adequate range of vocabulary for the task
•    attempts to use less common vocabulary but with some inaccuracy
•    makes some errors in spelling and/or word formation, but they do not impede communication
==>Overall Band Score: 6.5

could you please score and check my essay
4.4 (87%) 20 votes

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