Could you please review my essay? I have my exam in the coming week. Thank you.

QuestionsCategory: Writing Task 2Could you please review my essay? I have my exam in the coming week. Thank you.
Aparna raj asked 4 years ago

Nowadays children prefer electronic games to other games and toys. Why is this happening? Is it a positive or negative development?
 
In todays’ material world, the technological advancements have a great influence on the younger generation and they are fascinated more by the sophisticated gadgets than the traditional toys and outdoor games. While some people assert that this can be beneficial to children in some aspects, my view is that these developments can result in more negative impacts than positive.
To begin with, by employing the latest cutting edge technologies and through their aggressive marketing, the modern electronic games and toys have gained immense popularity among the younger generation. These gadgets offer extremely attractive graphics and gaming features that can captivate younger minds. Moreover, these games and consoles are developed to be fully compatible with the new generation devices like mobiles, iPads, and laptops and so on, which makes it really convenient to use and handy, giving the children access to their favorite games at the click of a button. Consequently, they get easily addicted to these gadgets and devices.
Even though these applications and games can aid in the intellectual development of a child, to an extent, I would argue that their drawbacks outnumber the benefits. Firstly over exposure to these electronic devices will result in poor study habits in children which can in turn lower their academic performance.  Secondly, over usage of computer games may result in least involvement in various other physical and outdoor activities, which are paramount for a child’s mental and physical development during the formative years. Therefore, addiction to these modern gadgets can negatively impact the healthy well-being of younger pupils.
In conclusion, after analyzing the aforementioned standpoints it is obvious that excessive exposure to electronic games and toys are hazardous for children and their overall development. Hence they should be encouraged to indulge in other extracurricular activities and games to counter balance the side effects.

Aparna raj replied 4 years ago

Please assess this essay. I have the exam this week. Thank you

1 Answers
Thuy Dung Pham answered 4 years ago

In todays’ material world, the technological advancements have a great influence on the younger generation and they are fascinated more by the sophisticated gadgets than the traditional toys and outdoor games. While some people assert that this can be beneficial to children in some aspects, . my view is that Personally, these developments can result in more negative impacts than positive ones.
To begin with, by employing the latest cutting edge technologies and through their aggressive marketing, the modern electronic games and toys have gained immense popularity among the younger generation. These gadgets offer extremely attractive graphics and gaming features that can captivate younger minds. Moreover, these games and consoles are developed to be fully compatible with the new generation devices like mobiles, iPads, and laptops and so on, which makes it really convenient to use and handy, giving the children access to their favorite games at the click of a button. Consequently, they get easily addicted to these gadgets and devices.
Even though these applications and games can aid in the intellectual development of a child, to an extent, I would argue that their drawbacks outnumber the benefits. Firstly, (comma) over exposure to these electronic devices will result in poor study habits in children which can in turn lower their academic performance.  Secondly, over usage of computer games may result in least involvement in various other physical and outdoor activities, which are paramount for a child’s mental and physical development during the formative years. Therefore, addiction to these modern gadgets can negatively impact the healthy well-being of younger pupils.
In conclusion, after analyzing the aforementioned standpoints, (comma) it is obvious that excessive exposure to electronic games and toys are hazardous for children and their overall development. Hence, (comma) they should be encouraged to indulge in other extracurricular activities and games to counter balance the side effects.
(301 words)
Feedback
Task Achievement (6.5): addresses all parts of the task and presents relevant main ideas.
Coherence and Cohesion (6.5): arranges information and ideas coherently and there is a clear overall progression
Lexical Resource (6.5): uses sufficient range of vocabulary for the task with some awareness of style and collocation, try to avoid using “I” in IELTS academic writing
Grammatical range and accuracy (6.0): uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms but there are some errors in grammar and punctuation
Overall: 6.5 (have good ideas and good flow)

Aparna raj replied 4 years ago

Please assess this essay. I have the exam this week. Thank you

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