Could you please evaluate and give feedback where I should improve in Task 2. I have my test on 10th Dec.

QuestionsCould you please evaluate and give feedback where I should improve in Task 2. I have my test on 10th Dec.
Shrestha asked 2 years ago

Question: Studies have suggested that nowadays children watch much more television than they did in the past and spend less time on active or creative things. What are the reasons and what measures should be taken to encourage children to spend more time on active or creative things?
Answer:
These days the young generation waste lot of time watching television and playing online games, unlike the older generation who used to spend much of their time on creative activities during their childhood. This essay will outline the main reasons for such behaviour by kids in the present days and will propose some ideas that will help the younger generation spend most of their time doing creative activities.
One of the main reasons for decreasing outdoor activities by younger minors is due to prolific growth of cartoon and entertainment channels. During past, until two decades ago, there were very few TV channels which were so entertaining to kids and not much of them would spend time watching such television programmes. For examples, I only used to watch television on Sunday afternoons and spend most of my time playing with my friends in the neighbourhood. Thus, as per my view, I see the growing entertainment channels focusing on kids has got them addicted so much and have a strong influence on them.
The possible way to divert the attention of such juveniles from the above mentioned problem might be encouraging them to make new friends and get involved in outdoor recreational activities. To do so, parents should guide them to choose the right friends and get involved in social youth clubs for children which focuses on physical sports and creative activities. For instance, in my locality there is a children club call ‘Bal Sansar’ which promotes both the sports and social activities and its members are increasing day by day. So, by letting the young fellows get involved in such groups, they can make new friends which would definitely help them being social and do creative activities.
To conclude, its difficult to keep away the new generation kids away from the influence of television, but however, the harm can be alleviated if they can be encouraged to get involved in outdoor recreational activities and get enrolled in youth clubs which will eventually help them keep away from spending much of their time just watching television.
 
 
 
 
 

Could you please evaluate and give feedback where I should improve in Task 2. I have my test on 10th Dec.
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1 Answers
Rachel Evans answered 2 years ago

These days the young generation waste lot of time watching television and playing online games, unlike the older generation who used to spend much of their time on creative activities during their childhood. This essay will outline the main reasons for such behaviour by kids in the present days and will  (don’t need to repeat the word ’cause it’s already been used) propose some ideas that will help the younger generation spend most of their time doing creative activities. 
One of the main reasons for decreasing outdoor activities by younger minors is due to prolific growth of cartoon and entertainment channels. During past, until two decades ago, there were very few TV channels which were so entertaining to kids and not much of them would spend time watching such television programmes. For examples, I only used to watch television on Sunday afternoons and spend most of my time playing with my friends in the neighbourhood. Thus, as per my view, I see the growing entertainment channels focusing on kids has got them addicted so much and have a strong influence on them.
The possible way to divert the attention of such juveniles from the above mentioned aforementioned problem might be encouraging them to make new friends and get involved in outdoor recreational activities. To do so, parents should guide them to choose the right friends and get involved in social youth clubs for children which focuses on physical sports and creative activities. For instance, in my locality, there is a children club called ‘Bal Sansar’ which promotes both the sports and social activities and its members are increasing day by day. So, by letting the young fellows get involved in such groups, they can make new friends which who would definitely help them being social and do creative activities.
To conclude, its it is difficult to keep away the new generation kids away from the influence of television, but however, the harm can be alleviated if they can be (are) encouraged to get involved in outdoor recreational activities and get enrolled in youth clubs which will eventually help them keep away from spending much of their time just watching television.
(344) 
Overall 6.5
Task achievement – 6.5

  • address all parts of the task
  • present relevant ideas but may not very well supported

Coherence and cohesion – 6.5

  • arrange information coherently and there is a clear overall progression
  • use cohesive devices effectively

Lexical resource – 6.5

  • use sufficient range of vocabulary
  • may make some occasional errors in spelling, word choice
  • may be repetitive

Grammatical range and accuracy – 6.5

  • use a mix of simple and complex sentence forms

Could you please evaluate and give feedback where I should improve in Task 2. I have my test on 10th Dec.
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