could you please check my essay and give some feedback and score?

QuestionsCategory: Writing Task 2could you please check my essay and give some feedback and score?
umeshnakarani asked 2 years ago

     As per some people who is interested in sports, if we increased number of sports facilities then it improve public health and that is the best way. But as per my opinion if we really want to improve public health then we have to explain first like why it is necessory and how we can improve public health.
     Before many decades human lived in forest and lived like animals.But after human discovered fire and learn how to cook. And now a days all the things are different from that. So many medicines use to protect and improve health but some dieses are newly comes in a pictures that is harmful and if we don’t think on it then their might be getting in trouble for anyone. Now a day people aware for their health. As per charls darwin he explain one principle that is ‘Survival of the fittest’ In this principle he explained one thing which is related to health. As per that principle the whole world is working for fitness and everyone should try as fit as they can. if any one person improve his health then it will be definatally helpful to improve public health.
   if we increase number of sports facilities then it will helpfull for those people who really interested in different kind of sport but it will not affecting non sporty person.That kind of person never visit that sport complex or never use any kind of sport instrument because they have not interested in all of this.In india there are so many sport complex and facilities available but very few people visit that kind of places others usually think why they go there and why they waste their time for this sport. Most of the people are running for money and some other things but very few of them are thinking about their health.
 
  In conclusion, if we really want to improve public health then firstly we have to worked on awareness of health because if people don’t know why it is necessory then they can’t do anything for their health and that will affect on public health. 
 

could you please check my essay and give some feedback and score?
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1 Answers
Rachel Evans answered 2 years ago

As per some people who is are interested in sports, if we increased number of sports facilities then it improve public health and that is the best way. But as per my opinion, if we really want to improve public health then we have to explain first like why it is necessory necessary and how we can improve public health.
Before many decades human lived in forest and lived like animals. But after human discovered fire and learn how to cook. And nowadays all the things are different from that. So many medicines use to protect and improve health but some dieses are newly comes in a pictures that is harmful and if we don’t think on it then their might be getting in trouble for anyone. Now a day people are aware for of their health. As per Charles Darwin he explained one principle that is ‘Survival of the fittest’. In this principle he explained one thing which is related to health. As per that principle the whole world is working for fitness and everyone should try as fit as they can. If any one person improves his health then it will be definitely definatally helpful to improve public health. (?!)
If we increase number of sports facilities then it will helpfull for those people who really interested in different kind of sport but it will not affecting non sporty person. That kind of person never visits that sport complex or never use any kind of sport instrument because they have not interested in all of this. In India there are so many sport complex and facilities available but very few people visit that kind of places others usually think why they go there and why they waste their time for this sport. Most of the people are running for money and some other things but very few of them are thinking about their health.
In conclusion, if we really want to improve public health then firstly we have to worked on awareness of health because if people don’t know why it is necessory then they can’t do anything for their health and that will affect on public health. 
 
Task achievement – 4.0

  • present information but do not sufficiently address the task
  • present some irrelevant information

Coherence and cohesion – 4.0

  • there isn’t a clear overall progression
  • should work extra hard to improve coherence

Lexical resource – 4.5

  • use only very basic vocabulary
  • make some noticeable errors in spelling, word choices and
  • do not use contraction

Grammatical range and accuracy – 4.5

  • repetitive of structures
  • make some errors in grammar (use of verb…)

Overall 4.0

could you please check my essay and give some feedback and score?
Rate this post

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