Could you please check and score my writing task 1? Thank you very much!

QuestionsCould you please check and score my writing task 1? Thank you very much!
Hong asked 1 year ago

 
https://www.google.com.vn/search?q=beer+consumption+in+7+countries&rlz=1C1CHBF_enVN685VN685&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjsm_jg7b7UAhUFu48KHWGZCiEQ_AUICigB&biw=1455&bih=700#imgrc=-BGT0gC8jGTmGM:
I don’t know how to insert a picture in the post. Please click to the link to see the picture. 
The table illustrates the information on the number of deaths related to alcohol and the average liters of beer consumed in different areas in 2005.
Overall, the number of alcohol related deaths for men was higher than that for woman in all countries. It is also noticeable that Czech Republic consumed the highest amount of beer while Canada had the lowest number in the table.
Czech people spent an average of 132 liters of beers in 2004 and that contributed to the highest number of people who died by using drink containing alcohol. Germany was the second country consuming much beer, 107 liters on average and its figure for alcohol related deaths was also in the second place with 1,185,000 people, followed by Australia with 931,000 of dead people.
The average beer consumption in Canada was only 89 liters, 18 liters less than that in Ireland. However, there was no significant different between the total of dead people related to alcoholic beverage of 2 countries, 580,000 people for Ireland and 582,000 for Canada. Although the Lithuanian and Estonian people spent on the equivalent average amount of beer, 91 liters and 98 liters respectively, only 125,000 people died in Lithuania because of using alcohol drinks, compared to more over 300,000 people in Estonia.

Could you please check and score my writing task 1? Thank you very much!
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Hong San replied 1 year ago

Thank you very much, bee! Could you please explain to me why you gave me 4.0 for task achievement?

bee replied 1 year ago

Hi there! Your way of describing and making contrasts was really poor , and it was not clear for reader . You should learn how to write brightly with complex structures. I hope You got what I mean 🙂

1 Answers
bee answered 1 year ago

 The table illustrates the information on the number of deaths related to alcohol utilization and the average liters of beer consumed in different areas in 2005. Overall, the number of alcohol related deaths for men(the males’ death rate due to alcohol drinking) was higher than that for woman in all countries. It is also noticeable that Czech Republic consumed the highest amount of beer while Canada had the lowest number in the table. Czech people spent(wrong word) an average of 132 liters of beers in 2004 and that contributed to the highest number of people who died by using drink containing alcohol. Germany was the second country consuming much beer, 107 liters on average and its figure for alcohol related deaths was also in the second place with 1,185,000 people, followed by Australia with 931,000 of dead people. The average beer consumption in Canada was only 89 liters, 18 liters less than that in Ireland. However, there was no significant different between the total of dead people related to alcoholic beverage of 2 countries, 580,000 people for Ireland and 582,000 for Canada. Although the Lithuanian and Estonian people spent on the equivalent average amount of beer, 91 liters and 98 liters respectively, only 125,000 people died in Lithuania because of using alcohol drinks, compared to more over 300,000 people in Estonia.
 
P.S. : Overall 4.5
task achievement 4.0
c&c 4.0
Grammar 4.5
lexical resource 4.5
 
You should work on your writing very hard so as to get higher band score … Improve your grammar firstly, learn new words and  cases when you can use them , try to highlight main datas , not all of them. Good luck

Could you please check and score my writing task 1? Thank you very much!
Rate this post

Hong San replied 1 year ago

Thank you very much, bee! Could you please explain to me why you gave me 4.0 for task achievement?

bee replied 1 year ago

Hi there! Your way of describing and making contrasts was really poor , and it was not clear for reader . You should learn how to write brightly with complex structures. I hope You got what I mean 🙂

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