Could you please check and score my essay

QuestionsCategory: Writing Task 2Could you please check and score my essay
Manmeet Kaur asked 1 year ago

Should long-term job-seekers in receipt of government benefits be made to do voluntary work so that they give something back to the community?

The government provides various benefits to the people who are seeking job from long time. However, I believe that in return to these services provided by nation to these persons, they should be made to do community work for the betterment of not only society by the country as a whole.

The job-seekers can be utilized in different social works and social welfare to enhance the growth and development of the community. Voluntary work, such as teaching some underprivileged children, can not only do good to these children but also for the person educating them. This way, the individual will get to know the problems faced by various communities and villages and help the person to be more responsible towards his or her nation. Moreover, if the children will learn new things in life, this will also help in increasing the knowledge of the poverty-struck families which will further help in getting them jobs in the society.

In addition, by doing community service, people will get to know about their surroundings and will make better relationships with others in the society. This will help in creating trust and harmony among citizens of a country and increase the happiness quotient of the country. The unemployed people will get to know the importance of work and money in the daily life where thousands of people struggle to sustain their livelihood. Hence, building respect for the ones who wishes to work but are not able to due to different reasons.

To summarize, doing voluntary services in return of the benefits provided by the government, will be beneficial for both the individual and society as well. Therefore, these type of work will provide new avenues to the individual and better opportunity for the development of the country.

Could you please check and score my essay
Rate this post

Manmeet Kaur replied 1 year ago

I am having my exam next week. So could anyone please check my essay and give me score so I can improve my writing.

1 Answers
Thuy Dung Pham answered 1 year ago

The government provides various benefits to (*Vocab: provide SO with Sth/ provide Sth for SO) [for] the people who are seeking job from long time. However, I believe that in return to these services provided by nation to these persons (unnecessary), they should be made to do community work for the betterment [development] of not only society by the country as a whole.
The job-seekers can be utilized in [contribute to] different social works and social welfare to enhance the growth and development of the community. Voluntary work, such as teaching some under-privilleged children, can not only do good to these children but also for the person educating them. This way, The individual will (informal) would get to know the problems faced by various communities and villages, and help[ing] the person to be more responsible towards [for] (to take the responsibility for Sth/to be responsible for/to be in charge of Sth) his or her nation. Moreover, if the children [could] will learn [/gain access to] new things in life [education], this will also help in increasing  the knowledge of the poverty-struck families which will further help in getting them jobs in the society. (Wrong form of Condition sentence Type 1, avoid using ‘will’ in academic writing) [not only would they be able to improve the living conditions of their family as well as their community, their opportunity to get a well-paid job in the future would be more enhanced]
In addition, by doing community service[s], people will would get to know about their surroundings and will make better [social] relationships with others in the society. This will [could] help in creating [building] trust and harmony among citizens of a country and increase the happiness quotient of the country. The unemployed people (*The + Adj indicate a group of people sharing certain similarities, e.g. the poor, the rich, etc.) will would get to know the importance of work and money in the daily life where that thousands of people struggle to sustain their livelihood. Hence, building respect for the ones who wishes to work but are not able to due to different reasons. (incomplete sentence)
To summarize, doing voluntary services in return of the benefits provided by the government, will [would] be beneficial for both the individual and the society as well. Therefore (not appropriate) These type[s] of work will would provide new avenues to the individual and better opportunity[ies] for the development of the country.
Feedback
Task achievement: 6.5 (clear ideas, evidence is still limited, not supportive and well-explained enough, argumentative ideas from the opponents’ viewpoint should be added)
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0 (acceptable organization, made several unnecessarily lengthy explanation, some ideas are poorly expressed)
Lexical Resource: 6.0 (consider using more synonyms, take note on verbs + prepositions)
Grammar Range: 5.5 (made several grammar mistakes, complex structures are not well-maintained)
Overall: 6.0

Could you please check and score my essay
Rate this post

Manmeet Kaur replied 1 year ago

I am having my exam next week. So could anyone please check my essay and give me score so I can improve my writing.

Get more stuff like this
in your inbox

Subscribe to our mailing list and get interesting stuff and updates to your email inbox.