Could you please check and assess my essay?

QuestionsCategory: OpinionCould you please check and assess my essay?
cas asked 2 years ago

Q: Some people spend their entire lives in one place. Others move a number of times throughout their lives, looking for a better job, house, community, or even climate. Which do you prefer: staying in one place or moving in search of another place?

A: Nowadays humanity has got enormous opportunities to diversify their lives by travelling. This is why everyone is eagerly trying to visit every corner of the world. However, in spite of this great chances, there are still a lot of them who have got contrary opinion. This type of people wants to stay in one place, live in the same city in the same house their entire lives.
As for me, I prefer travelling. There are plenty of reasons why.
First of all, it is ‘fullness’ of my life. I am always anxios thinking I am not living my life to the fullest or I will not. Because of this travelling and non-stop moving are the best way to spend my life with pleasure, without regret. Another big reason is that travelling broads our so-called ‘cultural experience’. We live in a big world with various countries. Each counrty or nationality has got it’s own individual and irreplacebale culture. I am amazed with all this things, that is why I want to visit other countries, understand their traditions and lifestyle. I accept these experiences as a key to improve myself. There will be a new world open to me due to this ‘key’.
Also it is seems essential to emphasize that if you like meet new people or make friends, moving to a new place will fit for you. These new people may be students of Japan university, with whom you make acquaintance while your new life in Japan! Or even it may be your new neighbours, lovely old woman and her merry husband, when you move to another house.
In addition, there is no doubt that moving is exciting! Finding a new house to live, buying new furniture are wonderful things, isn’t it? For instance, I would like to live in a house, not in appartment. Moving gives me all opportunities to chage it.
In conclusion, I would prefer to bid defiance to dull and boring life in the same place. I choose new life, new opportunities, new friends, new lifestyle.

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1 Answers
Thuy Dung Pham answered 2 years ago

A: Nowadays humanity has got enormous opportunities to diversify their lives by travelling. This is why everyone is eagerly trying to visit every corner of the world. However, in spite of this great chances, there are still a lot of them who have got contrary opinion. This type of people wants to stay in one place, live in the same city in the same house their entire lives.
As for me, I prefer travelling (Personally, travelling is my preference – try to avoid using “I”). There are plenty of reasons why.
First of all, it is ‘fullness’ of my life. I am always anxios anxious thinking I am not living my life to the fullest or I will not. Because of this travelling and non-stop moving are the best way to spend my life with pleasure, without regret. Another big reason is that travelling broads our so-called ‘cultural experience’. We live in a big world with various countries. Each counrty country or nationality has got it’s its own individual and irreplacebale culture. I am amazed with all this these things, that is why I want to visit other countries, understand their traditions and lifestyle. Thus, There will be a new world will be open opened to me due to this ‘key’.
Also, (comma) it is seems essential to emphasize that if you like meet new people or make friends, moving to a new place will fit for you. These new people may be students of Japan university, with whom you make acquaintance while your new life in Japan! Or even it It may be your new neighbours, lovely old woman and her merry husband, when you move to another house.
In addition, there is no doubt that moving is exciting! Finding a new house to live, buying new furniture are wonderful things, isn’t it? For instance, I would like to live in a house, not in appartment. Moving gives me all opportunities to chage it.
In conclusion, I would prefer to bid defiance to dull and boring life in the same place. I choose new life, new opportunities, new friends, new lifestyle.
Feedback
Task achievement: 5.5 (presents some main ideas but the development is not always clear and not sufficiently developed)
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0 (arranges information and ideas coherently and there is a clear overall progression)
Lexical Resource: 5.5 (uses a limited range of vocabulary, make noticeable errors in spelling and word formation that may cause some difficulty for the reader)
Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6.0 (uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, makes some minor errors in grammar)
Overall: 6.0 (You have very good ideas and good flow but there are many errors in grammar and spelling. You should be more careful next time. Try to use less common vocabulary and not to repeat a word many times. Try to avoid using “I” to write a formal essay)

Could you please check and assess my essay?
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