Could you please check and assess my essay? I got 6.5 in writing but need 7. Exam on 3rd Dec.

QuestionsCategory: Writing Task 2Could you please check and assess my essay? I got 6.5 in writing but need 7. Exam on 3rd Dec.
Piyush Gaur asked 2 years ago

Should long-term job-seekers in receipt of government benefits be made to do voluntary work so that they give something back to the community?
Give reasons for your answers with examples from your own knowledge or experience. 
 
 
I feel that the long term job seekers getting benefits from the government should made to do some constructive work which will have a positive impact on them, as well as community.
Firstly, the benefits given to them are an expenditure to the government which are paid off from the public exchequer. As the money so utilized is in form of collected taxes, the community should be repaid by engaging the unemployed beneficiaries to community works like teaching, healthcare, sanitation etc. Secondly, they should be given work according to their qualification or their respective skills as this will make them feel to be engaged in a work of their own stream and in turn polish their skills. This also increases the sense of satisfaction as the benefit received would be regarded as a reward for the community work performed.
 Similarly, it will also curb the biggest drawback of such benefit scheme as people tend to become lazy and prefer to remain unemployed because they tend to receive benefits without doing anything. It is often said, ‘All work and no play makes jack a dully boy’, but, in this scenario it would be said as ‘No work and just pay also makes him a dull boy’. Empty minds also make a person develop bad habits like drinking, drugs, gambling etc. so it is utmost necessary to keep the mind working in a positive manner.
One of the best example, according to me, is of the government scheme MNREGA which has made the unemployed youth to work for the community services in villages and small towns. These people can be seen working on highways and also distributing polio vaccines, thus learning new skills and feel the goodness of serving the society.
To recapitulate, the long term job seekers shouldn’t be given benefits without doing nothing but they should be engaged in some community work which also serves the government purpose of welfare state.       
 

Could you please check and assess my essay? I got 6.5 in writing but need 7. Exam on 3rd Dec.
5 (100%) 1 vote

1 Answers
Thuy Dung Pham answered 2 years ago

I feel that the long term job seekers getting benefits from the government should made to do some constructive work which will have a positive impact on them, as well as community.
Firstly, the benefits given to them are an expenditure to the government which are paid off from the public exchequer. As the money so utilized is in form of collected taxes, the community should be repaid by engaging the unemployed beneficiaries to community works like teaching, healthcare, sanitation etc. Secondly, they should be given work works according to their qualification or their respective skills as this will make them feel to be engaged in a work of their own stream and in turn polish their skills. This also increases the sense of satisfaction as the benefit received would be regarded as a reward for the community work performed.
 Similarly, it will also curb the biggest drawback of such benefit scheme as people tend to become lazy and prefer to remain unemployed because they tend to receive benefits without doing anything. It is often said, ‘All work and no play makes jack a dully boy’, but, in this scenario it would be said as ‘No work and just pay also makes him a dull boy’. Empty minds also make a person develop bad habits like drinking, drugs, gambling etc. so it is utmost necessary to keep the mind working in a positive manner.
One of the best example, according to me, is of the government scheme MNREGA which has made the unemployed youth to work for the community services in villages and small towns. These people can be seen working on highways and also distributing polio vaccines, thus learning new skills and feel the goodness of serving the society.
To recapitulate, the long term job seekers shouldn’t be given benefits without doing nothing but they should be engaged in some community work which also serves the government purpose of welfare state.       
Feedback
Task achievement: 6.0 (addresses all parts of the task, presents, extends and supports main ideas)
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5 (arranges information and ideas coherently but some may be inadequately developed/unclear)
Lexical Resource: 5.5 (uses a limited range of vocabulary, make noticeable errors in spelling and word formation that may cause some difficulty for the reader)
Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5.5 (attempts complex sentences but only a limited range of structures, may make frequent grammatical errors and punctuation may be faulty)
Overall: 5.5 (You have good ideas and good flow but there are many errors in grammar and spelling. Try to use less common vocabulary and not to repeat a word many times. Try to avoid using “I” to write a formal essay)
 

Could you please check and assess my essay? I got 6.5 in writing but need 7. Exam on 3rd Dec.
5 (100%) 1 vote

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