Could you please assess my writing and give feedback so that I can score at least band 7.

QuestionsCould you please assess my writing and give feedback so that I can score at least band 7.
Shrestha asked 2 months ago

Write an essay about the main problems teenagers have in your country. Describe them, and explain their causes and suggest possible solutions.

Youngsters between the age of 13 to 19 are quite vulnerable to the many practical problems when they are physically growing but have not acquired the level of maturity to take wise decisions. This essay will describe some of the major difficulties the teens of my country face and propose corresponding possible measures.
One of the most fundamental obstacles my compatriot teens face is the difficulty in choosing future career path. Their career decisions are mostly influenced by the desire of their parents rather than their own interest or innate qualities. Most of the traditional families in my country wants their children to be either a doctor or an engineer disregard of opinion of their kids.

The other major problem that teenagers of my country are quite vulnerable to is the risk of indulgence in drugs. It has become very common in the recent days that youths are getting involved in narcotics. They see it as a fashion trend at the beginning when they use it, while, oblivious about the serious consequences as they get addicted gradually.
 The most effective solution to the former problem would be to provide careful counselling and raise awareness of the guardians about the importance of personal interest of their children to be successful in any of the careers they choose. Similarly, the measure that could be taken to prevent youths getting into drugs is that parents doing strict observation of any abnormal activities they do, trying to understand and counsel them to follow the right path.
 
To encapsulate, difficulties associated with the career choice due to parental endeavours and indulgence in narcotism are the main problems that teens of my country face today which could be curbed by proper education, counselling, and awareness among both the parents and children.

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1 Answers
Rachel answered 1 month ago

Youngsters (this word is not suitable for a formal writing. You could use ‘adolescences’, ‘juveniles’, ‘teenagers’… instead – depend on age) between the ages of 13 to 19 are quite vulnerable to the many practical problems when they are physically growing but have not acquired (W.choie) the level of maturity to take wise decisions. This essay will describe some of the major difficulties the teens of my country face and propose corresponding possible measures.
One of the most fundamental obstacles my compatriot teens face is the difficulty in choosing future career path. Their career decisions are mostly influenced by the desire of their parents rather than their own interest or innate qualities. Most of the traditional families in my country wants want their children to be either a doctor or an engineer disregard of opinion of their kids.
The other major problem that teenagers of my country are quite vulnerable to is the risk of indulgence in drugs. It has become very common in the recent days that youths are getting involved in narcotics. They see it as a fashion trend at the beginning when they use it, while (?!), oblivious about the serious consequences as they get addicted gradually.
The most effective solution to the former problem would be to provide careful counselling and raise awareness of the guardians about the importance of personal interest of their children to be successful in any of the careers they choose. Similarly, the measure that could be taken to prevent youths getting into drugs is that parents doing strict observation of any abnormal activities they do, trying to understand and counsel them to follow the right path.
 
To encapsulate, difficulties associated with the career choice due to parental endeavours and indulgence in narcotism are the main problems that teens of my country face today which could be curbed by proper education, counselling, and awareness among both the parents and children.
Task achievement – 6.5

  • address all parts of the task but not sufficient (as the dev of your essay is still weak. as when I read you essay, I was looking for more details, it’s like you only state the fact with too little description)

Coherence and cohesion – 6.5

  • there’s a central topic within each paragraph
  • good flow, but some transition is not smooth

Lexical resource – 6.5

  • use an adequate range of vocabulary

Grammatical range and accuracy – 6.0
Overall 6.5

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