Could you help me? I'm still need a lot of learning

QuestionsCategory: Advantage/DisadvantageCould you help me? I'm still need a lot of learning
Jose asked 4 months ago

I really need help. Please give suggestions and score. Thank you.
 
 
Question: Some people work for the same organization all their life. Other think that it is better to work for different organizations. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
 
Answer:
A lot of people may argue about their view toward how to achieve fully in their career. One of the debatable factor is should we consistently work in one organization or should we move to another corporation once in a while.
People who choose to spend their life in one corporation probably do it because of the following reasons. First, they already comfortable in their workspace. They have food income, good work partners, and they love what they do, then why should they throw it away? They already settle there and don’t want any change. Furthermore, probably because they are people who don’t like changes really much. I mean, if they move to another corporation, they will need to adapt and study the system of their new company, and some people see it as too much effort. Even if there is a better opportunity in another company, they probably think it’s not worth the trouble.
On the other hand, people who prefer to work in different companies in their career like to be put in a new environtment. I think they easily get bored so if there is an opportunity, they’ll take it without hesitation. THey see it as an adventure and a challenge to learn new things.
Personally, I prefer working in one organization for my entire career. Nevertheless, I would like to try a couple work in my early career. But if I already got a stabil and interestion job, I prefer to stay there because I don’t really like adapting in a new environtment.
 

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1 Answers
Rachel answered 4 months ago

 
A lot of people may argue about their view toward how to achieve fully in their career. One of the debatable factors is should we consistently work in one organization or should we move to another corporation once in a while.
People who choose to spend their life in one corporation probably do it because of the following reasons. First, they are already comfortable in their workspace. They have food income?!, good work partners, and they love what they do, then why should they throw it away? They already settled there and don’t do not want any changes. Furthermore, probably because they are people who don’t do not like changes really much. I mean, if they move to another corporation, they will need to adapt and study the system of their new company, and some people see it as too much effort. Even if there is a better opportunity in another company, they probably think it’s it is not worth the trouble.
On the other hand, people who prefer to work in different companies in their career like to be put in a new environtment environment. I think they easily get bored so if there is an opportunity, they’ll will take it without hesitation. They see it as an adventure and a challenge to learn new things.
Personally, I prefer working in one organization for my entire career. Nevertheless, I would like to try a couple of jobs work in my early career. But if I already got a stabil stable and interestion interesting job, I prefer to stay there because I don’t  do not really like adapting in a new environtment environment.
Hi Jose, here are some comments on your writing:
Task achievement – 5.0

  • address all part of the task although some parts may be more covered than others
  • present so me main ideas but these are limited and not sufficiently developed.

Coherence and Cohesion – 5.5

  • arrange information with some organization, and have an overall progression
  • make some inadequate use of cohesive devices

Lexical resource – 5.0

  • use very limited range of vocabulary but this is minimally adequate for the task
  • may make noticeable errors in spelling

Grammatical range and Accuracy – 5.0

  • use only limited range of grammatical structures

Overall – 5.0
In academic writing, it is better if you do not use much of personal pronounce, maybe one or two times to express your opinions; and contraction forms
I don’t see your conclusion; the last paragraph can hardly be considered a conclusion for this essay.
Some expressions in your essay are more likely to be spoken language rather than formal written one (underlined ones). Try to avoid those expressions and replace them with some other cohesive devices.
You should also pay more attention on the singular and plural form of noun, and verb-subject agreement
Good luck. Hope this might help

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