Could you assess my writing task 2? Thanks in advance

QuestionsCategory: Problem-SolutionCould you assess my writing task 2? Thanks in advance
Meiirkhan Zhalel asked 3 years ago

Question:
Many schools these days have problems with poor student behaviour. Why do you think these problems occur? What could be done to tackle these problems?
 
Answer:
These days, student’s disobedience in schools become one of the most worrying issues in modern society. School administration, especially teachers, suffer the most. Poor behavior of students usually lead to problems with their studies. In this essay, I will look at the main reasons and propose solutions to tackle this problem.
One of the main reasons is that parents usually do not pay enough time to teach their children how to behave in the public environment. Working parents may come home very late when their children already have been sleeping. The way forward could be to parents pay more attention to upbringing their children instead of working all day and night.
Another reason is that some students could come from low-income families. This means that parents may have not enough money and time to invest to their children. Dearth of money may induce person to start living in criminal world that definitely will change behavior in negative way. To tackle this problem government have to increase welfare for low-income families.
Third cause could be that parents can be too soft to their own children allowing them to do inappropriate actions. That may lead to that, children become very rude to others. In my opinion, fault for this is lied only on parents. Unless parents will be stricter, this problem will continue being.
In conclusion, there is no doubt that teaching is one of the most demanding jobs. In my view, unless government and parents will understand the importance of problem, poor behavior of students will continue to be significant issue in schools.

1 Answers
Rachel Evans answered 3 years ago

Question:
Many schools these days have problems with poor student behaviour. Why do you think these problems occur? What could be done to tackle these problems?

Answer:
These days, student’s disobedience in schools become one of the most worrying issues in modern society. School administration, especially teachers, suffers the most. Poor behavior of students usually lead to problems with their studies. In this essay, I will look at the main reasons and propose solutions to tackle this problem.
One of the main reasons is that parents usually do not pay (W.choice) enough time to teach their children how to behave in the public environment. Working parents may come home very late when their children already have been sleeping. The way forward could be to parents pay more attention (grammar) to upbringing their children instead of working all day and night.
Another reason is that some students could come from low-income families. This means that parents may have not (word order) enough money and time to invest to their children. Dearth of money may induce person to start living in criminal world that definitely will change behavior in negative way. To tackle this problem, government have to increase welfare for low-income families.
Third cause could be that parents can be too soft to their own children, allowing them to do inappropriate actions. That may lead to that, children become very rude to others. In my opinion, fault for this is lied only on parents. Unless parents will be stricter, this problem will continue being.
In conclusion, there is no doubt that teaching is one of the most demanding jobs. In my view, unless government and parents will understand the importance of problem, poor behavior of students will continue to be significant issue in schools.
TA – 6.0

  • address parts of the task

CC – 6.0
LR – 5.5

  • make some errors in word choice and word form
  • some parts, it feels like spoken language..

GRA – 5.0

  • should pay attentions to punctuation, grammar.

Overall 5.5

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